I,_________________________________ agree to the following terms of service regarding seeking employment:
1. I will miss 3 out of every 5 job development meetings.
2. I will only attend interviews where I know for certain that marijuana is in my system.
3. I will deny that I knew anything about marijuana in my system.
4. I will expect the job developer to solve all of my problems, including but not limited to:
--girlfriend/boyfriend doesn't call anymore
--hamster is ill
--in trouble again with parole officer
--had a crappy childhood
--want to be an astronaunt but don't know how
--forgot to pay rent/ getting evicted
--out of smokes
--out of weed
--need a new liver due to ravages of alcoholism
--parents are mean to me
5. I will make unrealistic demands followed by rigid expectations.
6. I will not follow up on job leads and if I am hired I will quit after two days.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
JOB DEVELOPMENT SERVICES AND FEE SCHEDULE
The following is an overview of job development services, along with fee schedule:
1. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE ANY AND ALL DRUG USE IS ACCEPTABLE
Through the competent use of miracle, prayer to idols and bloodletting ritual sacrifice I will obtain employment for anyone who wants to smoke marijuana, crack or crystal meth while on the job, per their requirements. Furthermore, I will convince all employers that these activities increase productivity and reliability.
Fee for service: gratis
2. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE FELONIES ARE AN ASSET
Through the use of magic job pixie powder I will convince the employer of your choice that convictions and charges for theft, murder, prostitution and unlawful weapons discharge provide essential "real life" experience and background that so many recent college graduates are missing from their anemic resumes touting church volunteer work or Americorps service.
Fee for service: A hole in the head. Mine.
3. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROFICIENCY IS NOT REQUIRED
Through the use of guilt and coercion, I will bully, harass and threaten to sue any employer into hiring any non-literate, non-verbal person who cannot communicate using the English language, or indeed any language at all.
Fee for service: pocket lint
4. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE A CONFRONTATIONAL ME-FIRST ATTITUDE IS DESIRED
Through the use of extensive bullshitting and the application of tenuous logic, I will convince any employer that an inability to follow instructions, a history of workplace harassment, a dislike of authority and outright aggression are actually the hallmarks of an assertive "self-starter" and a "go-getter" and furthermore that these qualities represent the individualism and pioneering spirit that make America great!
Fee for service: Slash my tires + three mouth breathy phone calls threatening the safety of my family
5. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE LOW MOTIVATION IS NECESSARY
Through the use of interpretive dance, power point, baskets of puppies and liquid ecstasy I will convince any employer that a lack of motivation is actually a sign of great, untapped energy reserves. Furthermore, a lack of motivation demonstrates a certain "physical honesty" regarding the nature and function of the job.
Fee for service: I'll get back to you...yawn.
6. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE LACK OF EDUCATION IS PREFERRED
Through the application of blatant classism and outmoded stereotypes, I will convince any employer that any additional education beyond the fifth grade is for "liberal college boy egghead pussies" and just an excuse to demand a higher salary that the employer can nary afford to pay. Besides, everyone knows that real men are dumb, football watching swine and real women get their learned out of Cosmo and O magazines right?
Fee for service: I don't know. I can't count.
7. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE NO MARKETABLE SKILLS IS ESSENTIAL
Please see above.
8. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE CLIENT'S SCHEDULING, BENEFITS AND SALARY REQUIREMENTS COME FIRST
Please refer to #4.
9. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE AN INABILITY TO PERFORM ESSENTIAL JOB DUTIES IS DEMANDED.
Through the use of wacky mojo and strong ju-ju, I will plant magic faery pixie powder beans in the brains of employers, causing them to become mixed up zombies who obey my commands to allow anyone to work even if they cannot or will not do the job.
Fee for service: Rotten beef, and lots of it!
OTHER AUXILIARY SERVICES
The following services are rendered on a special needs/pay per circumstance basis
*Walk on water
*Turn water into wine
*Turn water into bread
*Turn success into whine
*Pay you from my own salary as an incentive for you to work
*Make original, convincing excuses to your employer for:
--lateness
--obscene language
--hangover
--missed work to go shopping
--assaulting coworkers during narcotic induced rage
*Work job for you
1. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE ANY AND ALL DRUG USE IS ACCEPTABLE
Through the competent use of miracle, prayer to idols and bloodletting ritual sacrifice I will obtain employment for anyone who wants to smoke marijuana, crack or crystal meth while on the job, per their requirements. Furthermore, I will convince all employers that these activities increase productivity and reliability.
Fee for service: gratis
2. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE FELONIES ARE AN ASSET
Through the use of magic job pixie powder I will convince the employer of your choice that convictions and charges for theft, murder, prostitution and unlawful weapons discharge provide essential "real life" experience and background that so many recent college graduates are missing from their anemic resumes touting church volunteer work or Americorps service.
Fee for service: A hole in the head. Mine.
3. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROFICIENCY IS NOT REQUIRED
Through the use of guilt and coercion, I will bully, harass and threaten to sue any employer into hiring any non-literate, non-verbal person who cannot communicate using the English language, or indeed any language at all.
Fee for service: pocket lint
4. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE A CONFRONTATIONAL ME-FIRST ATTITUDE IS DESIRED
Through the use of extensive bullshitting and the application of tenuous logic, I will convince any employer that an inability to follow instructions, a history of workplace harassment, a dislike of authority and outright aggression are actually the hallmarks of an assertive "self-starter" and a "go-getter" and furthermore that these qualities represent the individualism and pioneering spirit that make America great!
Fee for service: Slash my tires + three mouth breathy phone calls threatening the safety of my family
5. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE LOW MOTIVATION IS NECESSARY
Through the use of interpretive dance, power point, baskets of puppies and liquid ecstasy I will convince any employer that a lack of motivation is actually a sign of great, untapped energy reserves. Furthermore, a lack of motivation demonstrates a certain "physical honesty" regarding the nature and function of the job.
Fee for service: I'll get back to you...yawn.
6. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE LACK OF EDUCATION IS PREFERRED
Through the application of blatant classism and outmoded stereotypes, I will convince any employer that any additional education beyond the fifth grade is for "liberal college boy egghead pussies" and just an excuse to demand a higher salary that the employer can nary afford to pay. Besides, everyone knows that real men are dumb, football watching swine and real women get their learned out of Cosmo and O magazines right?
Fee for service: I don't know. I can't count.
7. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE NO MARKETABLE SKILLS IS ESSENTIAL
Please see above.
8. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE CLIENT'S SCHEDULING, BENEFITS AND SALARY REQUIREMENTS COME FIRST
Please refer to #4.
9. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE AN INABILITY TO PERFORM ESSENTIAL JOB DUTIES IS DEMANDED.
Through the use of wacky mojo and strong ju-ju, I will plant magic faery pixie powder beans in the brains of employers, causing them to become mixed up zombies who obey my commands to allow anyone to work even if they cannot or will not do the job.
Fee for service: Rotten beef, and lots of it!
OTHER AUXILIARY SERVICES
The following services are rendered on a special needs/pay per circumstance basis
*Walk on water
*Turn water into wine
*Turn water into bread
*Turn success into whine
*Pay you from my own salary as an incentive for you to work
*Make original, convincing excuses to your employer for:
--lateness
--obscene language
--hangover
--missed work to go shopping
--assaulting coworkers during narcotic induced rage
*Work job for you
Monday, June 2, 2008
Dear Police Friends, Would You Mind Not Smoking Dope With My Client? ...Thanks!
Dear Loser Cop Buddies of My Client,
my client has a traumatic brain injury. He was just offered a job at Target last week. He blurted out "I can't move my hand I'm crippled!" the second they offered him a job. The job offer was withdrawn quicker than an unwrapped cock from a two-minute whore.
"But you can move your hand, right?" I said to him.
"Oh yeah, sure I can but I wasn't sure if I should say I could or not. Maybe I should...shouldn't...should...should...'nt. Oh man. I don't know."
"Well, if you can move your hand--"
"--Oh yeah! Plus I had a little weed with my cop buddies last weekend. That was a week ago. One of them's a DARE officer. It was just a little weed. Just, you know a drag or a joint or two. I probably wouldn't pass the weed test they give out. You know?"
"Which was it, a drag or two joints?"
"Yeah. That one. I mean, its no big deal right? I mean, cops do it and doctors and lawyers. If they can do it...Do you think I'd pass that urine test. Can you call and ask for me?"
"Right, but the thing is, see--"
"--I mean, and its from 2-10 pm, the shift you know and anyways I don't know how my dog can be alone that long. I mean, thats a long time. Shit! I just want to have a simple little job where I can party and have something to do. The only one I talk to is my dog and he's not even a girl and I just want to work so I can see girls and watch them and get a job and party so I can get a girl to take care of me and my dog for a little while until I'm a CEO again and everybody is happy to see me when I get off the jet airplane to go check on how they're doing and then I'll cut my hair and wear a suit. Okay?"
On behalf of your brain injured, job seeking friend I humbly request that you refrain from offering my client your drugs at least until he gets a job. Unfortunately, while DARE officers can smoke all the dope they want in their spare time (or while on duty) without negative societal reprocussions, people with brain injuries whose ambition is to work at Target cannot.
I kindly thank you for your understanding in this matter.
JMT, Job Developer and Placement Coordinator.
my client has a traumatic brain injury. He was just offered a job at Target last week. He blurted out "I can't move my hand I'm crippled!" the second they offered him a job. The job offer was withdrawn quicker than an unwrapped cock from a two-minute whore.
"But you can move your hand, right?" I said to him.
"Oh yeah, sure I can but I wasn't sure if I should say I could or not. Maybe I should...shouldn't...should...should...'nt. Oh man. I don't know."
"Well, if you can move your hand--"
"--Oh yeah! Plus I had a little weed with my cop buddies last weekend. That was a week ago. One of them's a DARE officer. It was just a little weed. Just, you know a drag or a joint or two. I probably wouldn't pass the weed test they give out. You know?"
"Which was it, a drag or two joints?"
"Yeah. That one. I mean, its no big deal right? I mean, cops do it and doctors and lawyers. If they can do it...Do you think I'd pass that urine test. Can you call and ask for me?"
"Right, but the thing is, see--"
"--I mean, and its from 2-10 pm, the shift you know and anyways I don't know how my dog can be alone that long. I mean, thats a long time. Shit! I just want to have a simple little job where I can party and have something to do. The only one I talk to is my dog and he's not even a girl and I just want to work so I can see girls and watch them and get a job and party so I can get a girl to take care of me and my dog for a little while until I'm a CEO again and everybody is happy to see me when I get off the jet airplane to go check on how they're doing and then I'll cut my hair and wear a suit. Okay?"
On behalf of your brain injured, job seeking friend I humbly request that you refrain from offering my client your drugs at least until he gets a job. Unfortunately, while DARE officers can smoke all the dope they want in their spare time (or while on duty) without negative societal reprocussions, people with brain injuries whose ambition is to work at Target cannot.
I kindly thank you for your understanding in this matter.
JMT, Job Developer and Placement Coordinator.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Yup. I'm a penis alright, a really thick penis on four legs. This SO SUCKS!
Yup. I'm a penis alright, a really thick penis on four legs. This SO SUCKS!, originally uploaded by teerlinck.
Functional limitation/ barrier to employment: Check All That Apply. A minimum of three are required.
___#1 MOBILITY. A serious limitation in the ability to move about from place to place without accomodations due to physical or psychological impairment.
Individual is not ambulatory at this time due to the fact that individual is a penis shaped sculpture on four legs that lack normal knee development and feet are bolted into cement pilings.
___#2 SELF-DIRECTION. A serious limitation in the ability to independently plan, initiate, problem-solve, organize or carry out work-related or training related activities.
Individual is unable to plan ahead, organize or carry out any meaningful activity that is not related to being a penis shaped sculpture.
___#3 SELF-CARE. Individual is dependent upon other people, a service, or a device, to manage eating, toileting, grooming, dressing, money management, health or safety, to participate in training or work activities.
Individual is a penis shaped sculpture, and is unable to groom, toilet or manage money without total reliance on non-penis shaped sculptured individuals and/ or community resources for assistance.
___#4 WORK SKILLS. Serious limitation in the ability to perform specific tasks, or in the capacity to benefit from training required to carry out job functions.
Indiviudual is a penis shaped sculpture. Individual lacks fully formed appendages in order to manipulate objects. Individual not trainable.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
THREE SUPER FRIENDS OF SOCIAL SERVICES: CAPTAIN ANXIETY, THE EMBRACER AND THE VALIDATOR
Able to chill out an angry consumer without uttering a word, able to relax comfortably in a single bound, able to lift ten tons of paranoia and crush it with his tiny, sensitive man hands, able to chew off his fingernails in two minutes only to have them regrow in two seconds, able to find his purpose, then question it, then find it once again...only to question it, he is...CAPTAIN ANXIETY!!
Longing to be touched? Feeling deserving yet desolate? Call upon THE EMBRACER! when an emergency hug is required.
Feeling...low? Don't know what to...do? Creating problems for yourself by overusing...elipses to create a false sense of dramatic tension!?! Then call upon THE VALIDATOR. abd she will stroke your ego until it can stand up on its own wobbly little legs.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Customer Service Training Module I
This is to assist my peeps with their "soft skills" in their interactions with the general public.
1. The customer is your enemy.
2. Body odor is a means of self expression: express yourself!
3. If someone asks a question that you do not understand, ignore them politely.
4. tHE VOICES ARE HELPING. oBEY THE VOICES.
5. Don't get mouthy.
6. Periodically adjust your drawers in full view of the public for max efficiency.
7. Think FUCK: Forget Unless Checked 'Kay?
8. Greet every patron two times to ensure that their feelings of self worth are constantly validated. (e.g. "Hello can I help you? Hello can I help you?")
9. Never turn down an opportunity.
10. More is better.
11. Meow is more.
12. Roger Moore was swank, is now a dud.
13. Use of firearms to make a sale is not permitted, except in case of error.
14. If a disturbance is created, move all customers to the Emergency Disturbance Area and demonstrate the "egg, crunch, n' roll" position.
15. If a customer is unable to communicate, attempt non-verbal prompting and say "Say?" again and again.
16. After every sale, say: "Thank you for your dollars! You have pretty hands!" It is only right.
17. BEFORE you get to the sales floor, ask yourself if you are having a rainbow day or a mud puddle day? How can you turn mud puddles into rainbows: only through defending the Great Leader against his vile enemies by smashing their heads with the iron fist of truth!
18. Just because CAN doesn't mean you ARE.
19. A mind is like an open parchute. It only opens above 10,000 feet.
20. There is no "u" in team. There is a "t" in team...but what kind is it?!?
1. The customer is your enemy.
2. Body odor is a means of self expression: express yourself!
3. If someone asks a question that you do not understand, ignore them politely.
4. tHE VOICES ARE HELPING. oBEY THE VOICES.
5. Don't get mouthy.
6. Periodically adjust your drawers in full view of the public for max efficiency.
7. Think FUCK: Forget Unless Checked 'Kay?
8. Greet every patron two times to ensure that their feelings of self worth are constantly validated. (e.g. "Hello can I help you? Hello can I help you?")
9. Never turn down an opportunity.
10. More is better.
11. Meow is more.
12. Roger Moore was swank, is now a dud.
13. Use of firearms to make a sale is not permitted, except in case of error.
14. If a disturbance is created, move all customers to the Emergency Disturbance Area and demonstrate the "egg, crunch, n' roll" position.
15. If a customer is unable to communicate, attempt non-verbal prompting and say "Say?" again and again.
16. After every sale, say: "Thank you for your dollars! You have pretty hands!" It is only right.
17. BEFORE you get to the sales floor, ask yourself if you are having a rainbow day or a mud puddle day? How can you turn mud puddles into rainbows: only through defending the Great Leader against his vile enemies by smashing their heads with the iron fist of truth!
18. Just because CAN doesn't mean you ARE.
19. A mind is like an open parchute. It only opens above 10,000 feet.
20. There is no "u" in team. There is a "t" in team...but what kind is it?!?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Is it Earth Time Yet?
In the busy world of today, we all wish we had more time for the Earth. Sometimes we stare out of our office bubbles, car windows and arses. What are we thinking?
"I wish I had more time for the Earth."
Earth time is not to be confused with "birth time," an astrological designation of corporeal measurement or "green day" a new school emo band or "earth day" a thing that happens once a year.
When we celebrate earth day, we place all of our eggs into one little basket. We are lured into the complacent notion that, "hey, I don't need to think about the earth right now, because it is not yet earth day." And then what happpens? Earth day comes around and lo and behold, you don't have a whole day to spare for the Earth, your mother.
What many people don't understand is that the earth is a needy, cosmic entity that requires constant attention and petting.
Instead of one day, once a year, what the Earth needs is a little bit of LOVING, all the time.
When the earth gets hungry for loving, it gets ornery and one thing that none of us want is an ornery earth. When the strip miners and oil drillers do bad things to the earth, it's really negative but the earth is sitting there thinking:
"Yeah, but at least those fuckers pay attention to me!"
So instead of trying to spare a whole day that you do not have, why not spare a minute of your time, time spent on the earth...earth time.
Here's what to do:
Every day while at work, reach down and pat the floor once in awhile and say, "good little earth, good little earth. You're such a nice, happy little earth and I. Love. You!"
You may not hear anything right away, but just know that the earth listens to that, and really likes it a lot.
"I wish I had more time for the Earth."
Earth time is not to be confused with "birth time," an astrological designation of corporeal measurement or "green day" a new school emo band or "earth day" a thing that happens once a year.
When we celebrate earth day, we place all of our eggs into one little basket. We are lured into the complacent notion that, "hey, I don't need to think about the earth right now, because it is not yet earth day." And then what happpens? Earth day comes around and lo and behold, you don't have a whole day to spare for the Earth, your mother.
What many people don't understand is that the earth is a needy, cosmic entity that requires constant attention and petting.
Instead of one day, once a year, what the Earth needs is a little bit of LOVING, all the time.
When the earth gets hungry for loving, it gets ornery and one thing that none of us want is an ornery earth. When the strip miners and oil drillers do bad things to the earth, it's really negative but the earth is sitting there thinking:
"Yeah, but at least those fuckers pay attention to me!"
So instead of trying to spare a whole day that you do not have, why not spare a minute of your time, time spent on the earth...earth time.
Here's what to do:
Every day while at work, reach down and pat the floor once in awhile and say, "good little earth, good little earth. You're such a nice, happy little earth and I. Love. You!"
You may not hear anything right away, but just know that the earth listens to that, and really likes it a lot.
Monday, April 14, 2008
'Ullo Love: Her Roal Highnesses' Job Candidate Self Completed Background Study
If you are interested in establishing gainful employ in the service of Her Royal Highness, you must first complete this mandatory, voluntary self-completed background study to assess your character, native talents and aptitudes. Please answer each question as honestly as possible or else we shall be forced to exlude your candidacy from all future consideration.
1. Have you now or ever or plan in the future or once or more times in the past used naughty words? Yes/No
If yes, explain:_______________________________________________________
2. This phrase best describes my philosophy of service:
A) Pride in the moment
B) Kwality with a "K"
C) meow don't know
D) Life provides difficulties
3. This phrase best describes my spiritual self:
A) God save the Queen first, then me
B) God save me first, then the Queen
C) God save the Queen, the fascist regime, that made you a moron and England's dreamin'.
D) Meow not a Queen
4. This phrase best describes how your friends see you:
A) Too dignified to have casual friendships
B) The "good book" is my only friend
C) Friends can be useful but only when fighting barbarian hoardes on foreign soil for the Queen.
D) Meow don't have a "hoards" but meow horde meow nip-nip!
5. I have never been seen in a house of ill fame, with persons of suspect character or ill repute:
A) once
B) always
C) not typically
D) meow no understand this "pute"
6. In a contest between Richard the Lion Hearted, Oliver Cromwell, Buddica and Ice-T, who would win?
A) Oliver Cromwell. Dude could hurl a pike.
B) Richard the Lion Hearted. Dude was motivated.
C) Ice-T. Dude got a nine.
D) did meow say, "Budda-kitty?" Meow vote "Budda-kitty." Meow have pride.
7. What is the difference between "soffing" and "scuffing?"
A) Scoffing is the intensional misuse of the scuff to effect a squabble-like atmosphere among the bretheren.
B) Scuffing is the physical act of scoffing with "this world" orientation.
C) Scouting was invented for boys, by Sir Robert Baden Powell, who also invented concentration camps.
D) Meow choose not to respond.
8. The correct form of address when in the presence of the Royal Personage is:
A) 'Ullo love? Right good day for a bit of the old saucy-tossy, eh? What's been pokin' in the ol' shag bag today eh?
B) Allahhu Akbar!
C) Queenie, queenie, queenie! Come 'ere! Come mere! Come mere mere! Come mere mere mere!
D) Puuuuuuuuur!
9. Are you now or have you never been or will ever never but possibly not in any sort of randy business, criminal enterprise, scheme, plan, organisation, centre or group home?
A) No bay-bay
B) I'm not all bad, just partially.
C) I've been a criminal, but I've been loved.
D) Meow clean my plate.
10. Do you have an illness that requires a convolescent period in hospital?
A) Meow clean bill of puuuuuufect health!
B) once in awhile
C) all the time
D) only whilst I'm crying sad bird tears.
11. If Her Majesty's favorite program on tele was "Eastenders" I would...
A) tell her she's a sodding whore, and can piss off until she learns better habits.
B) call Bono for further instruction
C) point out that Her Highness "gots what sticks in her" and Eastenders "gots what sticks out of 'em" and that means only do that during "private time."
D) Change meow channel to meow groovy vibe.
12. If the palace were under seige by enemies of Her Majesty:
A) Never mind the bollocks, play the Sex Pistols.
B) send Her Majesty's enemies on an Easter Egg walkabout
C) Unleash the Royal Mutant Sea Monkeys, and instruct them to attack
D) Meow do "kitty grab" see how stupid people likes it!
13. If God were angry with me for having anal coitus, the best spice to be turned into is:
A) pillar of salt
B) Tony's Pizza Magic Mixed Blend
C) cracked fresh pepper flakes with a drip of lemon
D) meow mix and match
14. My ancestors_____________________...
A) had no taste or talent
B) stood proudly with the Crowne during turbulent periods
C) smashed frogs with crude clubs
D) Meow eat the old and weak from meow back of meow herd
15. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice_________________________...
A) I'll crack you in gulliver
B) ...but only if you are the Queen
C) ...but not three times five, because that is a lot of times.
D) ..., meow three times a lady
1. Have you now or ever or plan in the future or once or more times in the past used naughty words? Yes/No
If yes, explain:_______________________________________________________
2. This phrase best describes my philosophy of service:
A) Pride in the moment
B) Kwality with a "K"
C) meow don't know
D) Life provides difficulties
3. This phrase best describes my spiritual self:
A) God save the Queen first, then me
B) God save me first, then the Queen
C) God save the Queen, the fascist regime, that made you a moron and England's dreamin'.
D) Meow not a Queen
4. This phrase best describes how your friends see you:
A) Too dignified to have casual friendships
B) The "good book" is my only friend
C) Friends can be useful but only when fighting barbarian hoardes on foreign soil for the Queen.
D) Meow don't have a "hoards" but meow horde meow nip-nip!
5. I have never been seen in a house of ill fame, with persons of suspect character or ill repute:
A) once
B) always
C) not typically
D) meow no understand this "pute"
6. In a contest between Richard the Lion Hearted, Oliver Cromwell, Buddica and Ice-T, who would win?
A) Oliver Cromwell. Dude could hurl a pike.
B) Richard the Lion Hearted. Dude was motivated.
C) Ice-T. Dude got a nine.
D) did meow say, "Budda-kitty?" Meow vote "Budda-kitty." Meow have pride.
7. What is the difference between "soffing" and "scuffing?"
A) Scoffing is the intensional misuse of the scuff to effect a squabble-like atmosphere among the bretheren.
B) Scuffing is the physical act of scoffing with "this world" orientation.
C) Scouting was invented for boys, by Sir Robert Baden Powell, who also invented concentration camps.
D) Meow choose not to respond.
8. The correct form of address when in the presence of the Royal Personage is:
A) 'Ullo love? Right good day for a bit of the old saucy-tossy, eh? What's been pokin' in the ol' shag bag today eh?
B) Allahhu Akbar!
C) Queenie, queenie, queenie! Come 'ere! Come mere! Come mere mere! Come mere mere mere!
D) Puuuuuuuuur!
9. Are you now or have you never been or will ever never but possibly not in any sort of randy business, criminal enterprise, scheme, plan, organisation, centre or group home?
A) No bay-bay
B) I'm not all bad, just partially.
C) I've been a criminal, but I've been loved.
D) Meow clean my plate.
10. Do you have an illness that requires a convolescent period in hospital?
A) Meow clean bill of puuuuuufect health!
B) once in awhile
C) all the time
D) only whilst I'm crying sad bird tears.
11. If Her Majesty's favorite program on tele was "Eastenders" I would...
A) tell her she's a sodding whore, and can piss off until she learns better habits.
B) call Bono for further instruction
C) point out that Her Highness "gots what sticks in her" and Eastenders "gots what sticks out of 'em" and that means only do that during "private time."
D) Change meow channel to meow groovy vibe.
12. If the palace were under seige by enemies of Her Majesty:
A) Never mind the bollocks, play the Sex Pistols.
B) send Her Majesty's enemies on an Easter Egg walkabout
C) Unleash the Royal Mutant Sea Monkeys, and instruct them to attack
D) Meow do "kitty grab" see how stupid people likes it!
13. If God were angry with me for having anal coitus, the best spice to be turned into is:
A) pillar of salt
B) Tony's Pizza Magic Mixed Blend
C) cracked fresh pepper flakes with a drip of lemon
D) meow mix and match
14. My ancestors_____________________...
A) had no taste or talent
B) stood proudly with the Crowne during turbulent periods
C) smashed frogs with crude clubs
D) Meow eat the old and weak from meow back of meow herd
15. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice_________________________...
A) I'll crack you in gulliver
B) ...but only if you are the Queen
C) ...but not three times five, because that is a lot of times.
D) ..., meow three times a lady
Sunday, April 13, 2008
EMPLOYER PROFILE: Trevor Starkley Herberton Browntrout III
Hello. I am Trevor Starkly Herberton Browntrout III. I founded this company on a solid bedrock of earth, wind and fire. You shall obey.
You will be much enthusiastic for communications with my "new incentives/ talented plus" and this will bring your ancestors to the program with iron fisted will!
Forever marching! Forever strong! We shall be having community relations for difficult developments marketing solid foundations for the many.
Man-boy-child need not apply! Only the people built "Darwin Tough" are allowed entry through the jade gates of this happy domain.
Pig-Pig dead baby pig sonnet for the pork sausage make Jimmy Dean the weak willed profit of doomed sales model. Pride not gone. Forever the swineheart. Mel Gibson made foolish, the movie for Christgone: alt title: Snuffed By Romans.
And all you ask is "why?" Engrish not the goodspeak? Well, Funk you in your stupid arse-pie, dogdamn yankee! We will rain our ancestor's piss on the head of your unknowing goat, make foul the well of your lazy numb-numb!
'Ullo love! We shall find you gainful employ in our Royal Service!
A SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM OUR SOVERIGN:
"Oh my goodness love! We are just so horny! We were made to copulate with aliens! Oh dear! Oh! My! Lord! Baby Jeebus the Christ! We-oh dear!--We--oh dear!--We--oh my oh my oh my oh my pie, my...deardeardeardear me my goodness my Ohhhhhhhhhhh! I do believe....! I mean...! OH. MY. Good neeeeeeeeeeees. OH DEAREST ME OH MY THE UNION JACK OH! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HAVVVVVVVVVVVVE! ARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVED! GOD SAVE ME, GOD SAVE ME, GOD SAVE THE ROYAL VA-JAY-JAAAAAAAAY!"
Dearest British Citizen,
how would you like a Royal Job protecting Our Soverign? For only three days per week, you could be granted special uses of an emerald Jag-u-ar with flashing strobe and secret weaponry that fires projectile bangers and mash at tresspassers and interlopers who attempt to violate meow space bubble of meow Queen.
Inquire below for details and necessary prerequisite requirements to gain entry into the centre of the Royal Abode:
Benefits include:
*20 quid per month/ depending upon variable qualifying traits
*unlimited access to teletubbies
*15 minutes walkabout per shed-yuled period
*access to private Royal Car Park with Private Lift, incliding Royal Monogrammed Mini-Torch
*Limited edition "Prince Charles Issue" Mirrored windowless sex-lorry with shag carpeting for public and private VIP trysts with Leonard Cohen eight track hi-fi for Heavy Sensual Arousal.
*1 pint beefeaters gin per year gratis, private stock of the Crowne, per grace of the Royal Family
*4 week holiday per ten years honorable service
Qualifications mandatory:
*Fluent in the British English Language
*Ability to act as liason between Her Royal Highness and Bono, wanker.
*20 years protection of queens and sundry other royal-ality
*communicational ability superb under pressing circumstance
*Proficient in hand-to-cricket-bat combat
*Ability to scuff and de-scuff shoes at a moment's whim
*Ability and willingness to satisfy Her Royal Highnesses' unspecified and unspeakable whims and perversions including but not limited to the following positions and predilections:
The Wraparound
the Hug-A-Bug
the two-toed Grip-N-Grab
The Airplane Spin
The Whip, Pry and Drip
Cuh-Oof-Da-Fuh-In-Gas
Dutch Oven Surprise
Sea Turtle En Route To Magic Swampy Fingers
Two In the Pink, One In the Stink
Daisies and Rainbows Galore
Life, Bend, Release
Backseat Driver
Unfolding Tiger Dragon Brings Lorry In the Rear
Meow Part the Jade Gates With Foaming Uncut Manstalk
Baling the Hay With Two Forks
Farmer Ian Goes Raving Mad With Defunct Sensual Agricultural Practices At Stonehenge
Randy Nuns Crashing Lorry
Billy, Billy Bugger Bollocks
Little Miss Saucy Trousers In Pete's Carrot Patch
Tarts, Farts and Saucy, Saucy Bandits
Meow No For Sale!
Sir Naughty Knickers Pokes the Restive Pasture
Menage-a-Tois Du Au Coton
Beefeaters Porking Out
Qualifications Prefered:
*poesses talents and abilities
*be a whole person
*have power n' stuff n' the ability to define stuff so that stuff happens
*be an inbred member of the upper order
*three years experience performing naughty bits to private audiences consisting of members of the House of Lords
*Meow commune with meow spirits
*Consume raw, wine soaked pumpkins whilst carrying a merry tune
Please direct all candidate inquiries to Her Royal Human Resource Home Office of the Crowne. Please start the process by smelting three tons of medium grade al-u-min-yum, then molding it into an alabaster finish. Then, look in a mirror whilst standing on one foot and tell yourself that you believe in yourself, you believe in yourself, you believe in yourself, and meow are okay and meow have "the power," the wisdom, the gnostic truth, the nascent beginings, the gaeity, the piety, and the belief that "I can"forged in the fires of "I do."
For guarenteed consideration, also send copies of resume, self-completed background check and ball gag size to:
Her Royal Highness, Queen Majesty of England
United Kingdom
Britian
c/o
England
*
"Oh my goodness love! We are just so horny! We were made to copulate with aliens! Oh dear! Oh! My! Lord! Baby Jeebus the Christ! We-oh dear!--We--oh dear!--We--oh my oh my oh my oh my pie, my...deardeardeardear me my goodness my Ohhhhhhhhhhh! I do believe....! I mean...! OH. MY. Good neeeeeeeeeeees. OH DEAREST ME OH MY THE UNION JACK OH! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HAVVVVVVVVVVVVE! ARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVED! GOD SAVE ME, GOD SAVE ME, GOD SAVE THE ROYAL VA-JAY-JAAAAAAAAY!"
Dearest British Citizen,
how would you like a Royal Job protecting Our Soverign? For only three days per week, you could be granted special uses of an emerald Jag-u-ar with flashing strobe and secret weaponry that fires projectile bangers and mash at tresspassers and interlopers who attempt to violate meow space bubble of meow Queen.
Inquire below for details and necessary prerequisite requirements to gain entry into the centre of the Royal Abode:
Benefits include:
*20 quid per month/ depending upon variable qualifying traits
*unlimited access to teletubbies
*15 minutes walkabout per shed-yuled period
*access to private Royal Car Park with Private Lift, incliding Royal Monogrammed Mini-Torch
*Limited edition "Prince Charles Issue" Mirrored windowless sex-lorry with shag carpeting for public and private VIP trysts with Leonard Cohen eight track hi-fi for Heavy Sensual Arousal.
*1 pint beefeaters gin per year gratis, private stock of the Crowne, per grace of the Royal Family
*4 week holiday per ten years honorable service
Qualifications mandatory:
*Fluent in the British English Language
*Ability to act as liason between Her Royal Highness and Bono, wanker.
*20 years protection of queens and sundry other royal-ality
*communicational ability superb under pressing circumstance
*Proficient in hand-to-cricket-bat combat
*Ability to scuff and de-scuff shoes at a moment's whim
*Ability and willingness to satisfy Her Royal Highnesses' unspecified and unspeakable whims and perversions including but not limited to the following positions and predilections:
The Wraparound
the Hug-A-Bug
the two-toed Grip-N-Grab
The Airplane Spin
The Whip, Pry and Drip
Cuh-Oof-Da-Fuh-In-Gas
Dutch Oven Surprise
Sea Turtle En Route To Magic Swampy Fingers
Two In the Pink, One In the Stink
Daisies and Rainbows Galore
Life, Bend, Release
Backseat Driver
Unfolding Tiger Dragon Brings Lorry In the Rear
Meow Part the Jade Gates With Foaming Uncut Manstalk
Baling the Hay With Two Forks
Farmer Ian Goes Raving Mad With Defunct Sensual Agricultural Practices At Stonehenge
Randy Nuns Crashing Lorry
Billy, Billy Bugger Bollocks
Little Miss Saucy Trousers In Pete's Carrot Patch
Tarts, Farts and Saucy, Saucy Bandits
Meow No For Sale!
Sir Naughty Knickers Pokes the Restive Pasture
Menage-a-Tois Du Au Coton
Beefeaters Porking Out
Qualifications Prefered:
*poesses talents and abilities
*be a whole person
*have power n' stuff n' the ability to define stuff so that stuff happens
*be an inbred member of the upper order
*three years experience performing naughty bits to private audiences consisting of members of the House of Lords
*Meow commune with meow spirits
*Consume raw, wine soaked pumpkins whilst carrying a merry tune
Please direct all candidate inquiries to Her Royal Human Resource Home Office of the Crowne. Please start the process by smelting three tons of medium grade al-u-min-yum, then molding it into an alabaster finish. Then, look in a mirror whilst standing on one foot and tell yourself that you believe in yourself, you believe in yourself, you believe in yourself, and meow are okay and meow have "the power," the wisdom, the gnostic truth, the nascent beginings, the gaeity, the piety, and the belief that "I can"forged in the fires of "I do."
For guarenteed consideration, also send copies of resume, self-completed background check and ball gag size to:
Her Royal Highness, Queen Majesty of England
United Kingdom
Britian
c/o
England
*
Missed Appointment Form Response
Dear______________________,
you have missed your scheduled job development appointments on ____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, and _____. Showing up to appointments is a very important skill that employers use to accurately assess reliability, functionality and good character. It was hoped that being offered some flexibility would encourage your ability to come to appointments. Remember: showing up is half the battle!
Please understand that I sympathize with the fact that (circle all that apply) you were:
stoned/ unable to make appointment
emergency colorectal exam/ unable to make appointment
taking care of friend's sister's sick baby/ unable to make appointment
woman who lives downstairs using my phone for phone sex/ unable to make appointment
able to make appointment/ blew off appointment
thought appointment was for different day/ unable to make appointment
lying about lack of alcohol problem/ unable to make appointment
making eyes at the ladies/ unable to make appointment
realized you could not get me a job and work it for me/ blew off appointment
meow just a kitty/ meow no have appointment
prefer to be exploited by a manager who pays me small bits of cash to work ten hour days/ unable to make appointment
too frightened to admit I wasn't ready to find a job/ unable to make appointment
appointment? Oh? Say?/ unable to make appointment
...however, your lack of progress in the area of____appointment____indicates that you are not presently ready for obtain sucessful employment outcomes. Thus I regret to inform you that your job development services (including those services which are currently shed-yuled) are hereby and henceforward, terminated until further notice. Please contact me if you have any questions or wish to appeal this decision.
________________________, you have many strengths, such as (circle all that apply)
well defined pimp strut/ no felony background/ flexible demands/ english language proficiency level_____/ family cares/ meow cuddly/ are a whole person/ work well with hands/ groovy sense of timing/ winning smile/ get along well with others: no fighting or biting/ chick magnet hair/ know where kicksville is/ know how to get there/ less than four babies confirmed via paternity test as yours/ attitude is acceptable when not hallucinating/ no active delusions in over four days/ other talents and abilities: not otherwise specified
...and it is my hope that these strengths will serve you well in all future endeavors. God save job development and God save the Queen
Yours indefinately,
______________________, Job Developer
you have missed your scheduled job development appointments on ____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, _____, and _____. Showing up to appointments is a very important skill that employers use to accurately assess reliability, functionality and good character. It was hoped that being offered some flexibility would encourage your ability to come to appointments. Remember: showing up is half the battle!
Please understand that I sympathize with the fact that (circle all that apply) you were:
stoned/ unable to make appointment
emergency colorectal exam/ unable to make appointment
taking care of friend's sister's sick baby/ unable to make appointment
woman who lives downstairs using my phone for phone sex/ unable to make appointment
able to make appointment/ blew off appointment
thought appointment was for different day/ unable to make appointment
lying about lack of alcohol problem/ unable to make appointment
making eyes at the ladies/ unable to make appointment
realized you could not get me a job and work it for me/ blew off appointment
meow just a kitty/ meow no have appointment
prefer to be exploited by a manager who pays me small bits of cash to work ten hour days/ unable to make appointment
too frightened to admit I wasn't ready to find a job/ unable to make appointment
appointment? Oh? Say?/ unable to make appointment
...however, your lack of progress in the area of____appointment____indicates that you are not presently ready for obtain sucessful employment outcomes. Thus I regret to inform you that your job development services (including those services which are currently shed-yuled) are hereby and henceforward, terminated until further notice. Please contact me if you have any questions or wish to appeal this decision.
________________________, you have many strengths, such as (circle all that apply)
well defined pimp strut/ no felony background/ flexible demands/ english language proficiency level_____/ family cares/ meow cuddly/ are a whole person/ work well with hands/ groovy sense of timing/ winning smile/ get along well with others: no fighting or biting/ chick magnet hair/ know where kicksville is/ know how to get there/ less than four babies confirmed via paternity test as yours/ attitude is acceptable when not hallucinating/ no active delusions in over four days/ other talents and abilities: not otherwise specified
...and it is my hope that these strengths will serve you well in all future endeavors. God save job development and God save the Queen
Yours indefinately,
______________________, Job Developer
Friday, March 28, 2008
Arab Terrorists!
I was just informed today by Bill Butts, a vocational rehabilitation counselor who I work with that "Arab terrorists" run all of the tobacco shops and some restaurants in the Twin Cities Metropolitan Region. Bill Butts has a big heart, happy hands, an eye for the ladies, and a beard like Billy goat. This dialogue shows how difficult it can be to remain politically correct in this profession.
"Oh Mr. Butts, I just went in to Midway Tobacco to see if they had any jobs available for my peeps."
"What? No, don't go looking for jobs in those places. They only hire Arabs."
"Yes, they usually are family run. I'm going to forget about it."
"Yeah, a buddy of mine told me that the terrorists run those places, only Arab terrorists. I think our government knows about it. Don't bother with that."
"Well, there are a lot of family operated business in the Twin Cities. I know that."
"Terrorists! Arab terrrorists!"
"Yes, many Arab families do appear to have enterprenurial endeavors."
"Terror-error, 'errorists! Perror, whereor, barrorists! Terrorists!"
"Right, Mr. Butts. Say sir, did you know a lot of people say I look like a terrorist? They say I look Saudi Eastern or Iraniarian."
"Never son! Never! I would not have believed it never for a...never! Boy! Stay. Away. Just stay away from those places. They keep hookhas for pets!"
"Yes Mr. Butts."
"Oh Mr. Butts, I just went in to Midway Tobacco to see if they had any jobs available for my peeps."
"What? No, don't go looking for jobs in those places. They only hire Arabs."
"Yes, they usually are family run. I'm going to forget about it."
"Yeah, a buddy of mine told me that the terrorists run those places, only Arab terrorists. I think our government knows about it. Don't bother with that."
"Well, there are a lot of family operated business in the Twin Cities. I know that."
"Terrorists! Arab terrrorists!"
"Yes, many Arab families do appear to have enterprenurial endeavors."
"Terror-error, 'errorists! Perror, whereor, barrorists! Terrorists!"
"Right, Mr. Butts. Say sir, did you know a lot of people say I look like a terrorist? They say I look Saudi Eastern or Iraniarian."
"Never son! Never! I would not have believed it never for a...never! Boy! Stay. Away. Just stay away from those places. They keep hookhas for pets!"
"Yes Mr. Butts."
Skin Tag! You're It!
How To Play Skin Tag For A Tag-Tastic Time!
1. Yell, "I hate my fucking job!"
2. Lift up your shirt and reveal your skin tag!
3. Next person: Hey, you're "it!"
4. Grow a new skin tag.
5. Find people to show it off it to.
5.5 Remove your skin tag with a goodly sharp object.
5.6 Eat your skin tag.
6. You'll say, "Skin tagging is so easy! I can't believe I didn't do this before!"
1. Yell, "I hate my fucking job!"
2. Lift up your shirt and reveal your skin tag!
3. Next person: Hey, you're "it!"
4. Grow a new skin tag.
5. Find people to show it off it to.
5.5 Remove your skin tag with a goodly sharp object.
5.6 Eat your skin tag.
6. You'll say, "Skin tagging is so easy! I can't believe I didn't do this before!"
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
MEMO: LBSL
Hey Peeps,
I have arranged for an in-house seminar on the use of LBSL. The trainer is Mary Lou Browntrout and she has a Ph.D in Non-Verbal Interpersonal Proxemics from MIT. She works with United Signature Select Services and comes highly recommended. For those of you who don't know, LBSL is an emerging form of communication that utilizes calming words and motions in order to facilitate empathy and understanding among people. It is based upon a system that was derived from a program that was derived from Tai Chi and adapted for use with people who have anxiety and pre-morbid cognitive image processing maladaptive dysfunction. Mary Lou assured me that we will cover pedagogy, methodology, chronology, ontology, psychology, and techniques including The Wave, the Slow Wave, the Sweep, Half-Sweep and when to use or not use "little spinners" along with deescalatory verbal techniques refered to as "patroning." These techniques often incorporate adding "ly" to the end of words to effect a more empathic dialogue. According to research done by Dr. Browntrout, these seemingly simple methods trigger certain neurtronic receptors in the hippacampus that cause the release of calming neurotransmitters such as monooxidase inhibitors. The training is free.
I have arranged for an in-house seminar on the use of LBSL. The trainer is Mary Lou Browntrout and she has a Ph.D in Non-Verbal Interpersonal Proxemics from MIT. She works with United Signature Select Services and comes highly recommended. For those of you who don't know, LBSL is an emerging form of communication that utilizes calming words and motions in order to facilitate empathy and understanding among people. It is based upon a system that was derived from a program that was derived from Tai Chi and adapted for use with people who have anxiety and pre-morbid cognitive image processing maladaptive dysfunction. Mary Lou assured me that we will cover pedagogy, methodology, chronology, ontology, psychology, and techniques including The Wave, the Slow Wave, the Sweep, Half-Sweep and when to use or not use "little spinners" along with deescalatory verbal techniques refered to as "patroning." These techniques often incorporate adding "ly" to the end of words to effect a more empathic dialogue. According to research done by Dr. Browntrout, these seemingly simple methods trigger certain neurtronic receptors in the hippacampus that cause the release of calming neurotransmitters such as monooxidase inhibitors. The training is free.
JOB LEAD: JUMP ROPE INSTRUCTOR FOR YOUTH
I found the following job lead whilst looking for jobs for my clients.
JUMP ROPE INSTRUCTOR FOR YOUTH:
Minimum Requirements:
1. Is courteous, sincere, respecful, well intentioned and competent in all dealings with jump ropers and jump rope-ees.
2. Must be 18 years of age.
3. Highschool diploma or equivolent.
4. One year jump roping experience
5. Valid driver's license
6. CPR certified
7. knowledge of different types of jump ropes, roping games, techniques and methodologies
$10/ hour to start.
JUMP ROPE INSTRUCTOR FOR YOUTH:
Minimum Requirements:
1. Is courteous, sincere, respecful, well intentioned and competent in all dealings with jump ropers and jump rope-ees.
2. Must be 18 years of age.
3. Highschool diploma or equivolent.
4. One year jump roping experience
5. Valid driver's license
6. CPR certified
7. knowledge of different types of jump ropes, roping games, techniques and methodologies
$10/ hour to start.
How To Ask Your Fellow Social Services Professional Out On A Date!
Dating protocol works a little differently between inter-agency professionals in the wide world of social services.
1. Begin by aknowledging an Illinois sports teams of your choice.
2. Note a point of mutual commonality.
3. Inquire about current relationship status.
4. Declare that you sleep with your parents.
5. Repeat #4.
EXAMPLE:
"Hi. I love the Bears. We work with the same client. Are you single? I sleep with my parents. Did I mention I sleep with my parents? Will you date me? Thank you."
1. Begin by aknowledging an Illinois sports teams of your choice.
2. Note a point of mutual commonality.
3. Inquire about current relationship status.
4. Declare that you sleep with your parents.
5. Repeat #4.
EXAMPLE:
"Hi. I love the Bears. We work with the same client. Are you single? I sleep with my parents. Did I mention I sleep with my parents? Will you date me? Thank you."
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