I,_________________________________ agree to the following terms of service regarding seeking employment:
1. I will miss 3 out of every 5 job development meetings.
2. I will only attend interviews where I know for certain that marijuana is in my system.
3. I will deny that I knew anything about marijuana in my system.
4. I will expect the job developer to solve all of my problems, including but not limited to:
--girlfriend/boyfriend doesn't call anymore
--hamster is ill
--in trouble again with parole officer
--had a crappy childhood
--want to be an astronaunt but don't know how
--forgot to pay rent/ getting evicted
--out of smokes
--out of weed
--need a new liver due to ravages of alcoholism
--parents are mean to me
5. I will make unrealistic demands followed by rigid expectations.
6. I will not follow up on job leads and if I am hired I will quit after two days.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
JOB DEVELOPMENT SERVICES AND FEE SCHEDULE
The following is an overview of job development services, along with fee schedule:
1. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE ANY AND ALL DRUG USE IS ACCEPTABLE
Through the competent use of miracle, prayer to idols and bloodletting ritual sacrifice I will obtain employment for anyone who wants to smoke marijuana, crack or crystal meth while on the job, per their requirements. Furthermore, I will convince all employers that these activities increase productivity and reliability.
Fee for service: gratis
2. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE FELONIES ARE AN ASSET
Through the use of magic job pixie powder I will convince the employer of your choice that convictions and charges for theft, murder, prostitution and unlawful weapons discharge provide essential "real life" experience and background that so many recent college graduates are missing from their anemic resumes touting church volunteer work or Americorps service.
Fee for service: A hole in the head. Mine.
3. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROFICIENCY IS NOT REQUIRED
Through the use of guilt and coercion, I will bully, harass and threaten to sue any employer into hiring any non-literate, non-verbal person who cannot communicate using the English language, or indeed any language at all.
Fee for service: pocket lint
4. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE A CONFRONTATIONAL ME-FIRST ATTITUDE IS DESIRED
Through the use of extensive bullshitting and the application of tenuous logic, I will convince any employer that an inability to follow instructions, a history of workplace harassment, a dislike of authority and outright aggression are actually the hallmarks of an assertive "self-starter" and a "go-getter" and furthermore that these qualities represent the individualism and pioneering spirit that make America great!
Fee for service: Slash my tires + three mouth breathy phone calls threatening the safety of my family
5. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE LOW MOTIVATION IS NECESSARY
Through the use of interpretive dance, power point, baskets of puppies and liquid ecstasy I will convince any employer that a lack of motivation is actually a sign of great, untapped energy reserves. Furthermore, a lack of motivation demonstrates a certain "physical honesty" regarding the nature and function of the job.
Fee for service: I'll get back to you...yawn.
6. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE LACK OF EDUCATION IS PREFERRED
Through the application of blatant classism and outmoded stereotypes, I will convince any employer that any additional education beyond the fifth grade is for "liberal college boy egghead pussies" and just an excuse to demand a higher salary that the employer can nary afford to pay. Besides, everyone knows that real men are dumb, football watching swine and real women get their learned out of Cosmo and O magazines right?
Fee for service: I don't know. I can't count.
7. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE NO MARKETABLE SKILLS IS ESSENTIAL
Please see above.
8. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE CLIENT'S SCHEDULING, BENEFITS AND SALARY REQUIREMENTS COME FIRST
Please refer to #4.
9. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE AN INABILITY TO PERFORM ESSENTIAL JOB DUTIES IS DEMANDED.
Through the use of wacky mojo and strong ju-ju, I will plant magic faery pixie powder beans in the brains of employers, causing them to become mixed up zombies who obey my commands to allow anyone to work even if they cannot or will not do the job.
Fee for service: Rotten beef, and lots of it!
OTHER AUXILIARY SERVICES
The following services are rendered on a special needs/pay per circumstance basis
*Walk on water
*Turn water into wine
*Turn water into bread
*Turn success into whine
*Pay you from my own salary as an incentive for you to work
*Make original, convincing excuses to your employer for:
--lateness
--obscene language
--hangover
--missed work to go shopping
--assaulting coworkers during narcotic induced rage
*Work job for you
1. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE ANY AND ALL DRUG USE IS ACCEPTABLE
Through the competent use of miracle, prayer to idols and bloodletting ritual sacrifice I will obtain employment for anyone who wants to smoke marijuana, crack or crystal meth while on the job, per their requirements. Furthermore, I will convince all employers that these activities increase productivity and reliability.
Fee for service: gratis
2. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE FELONIES ARE AN ASSET
Through the use of magic job pixie powder I will convince the employer of your choice that convictions and charges for theft, murder, prostitution and unlawful weapons discharge provide essential "real life" experience and background that so many recent college graduates are missing from their anemic resumes touting church volunteer work or Americorps service.
Fee for service: A hole in the head. Mine.
3. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROFICIENCY IS NOT REQUIRED
Through the use of guilt and coercion, I will bully, harass and threaten to sue any employer into hiring any non-literate, non-verbal person who cannot communicate using the English language, or indeed any language at all.
Fee for service: pocket lint
4. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE A CONFRONTATIONAL ME-FIRST ATTITUDE IS DESIRED
Through the use of extensive bullshitting and the application of tenuous logic, I will convince any employer that an inability to follow instructions, a history of workplace harassment, a dislike of authority and outright aggression are actually the hallmarks of an assertive "self-starter" and a "go-getter" and furthermore that these qualities represent the individualism and pioneering spirit that make America great!
Fee for service: Slash my tires + three mouth breathy phone calls threatening the safety of my family
5. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE LOW MOTIVATION IS NECESSARY
Through the use of interpretive dance, power point, baskets of puppies and liquid ecstasy I will convince any employer that a lack of motivation is actually a sign of great, untapped energy reserves. Furthermore, a lack of motivation demonstrates a certain "physical honesty" regarding the nature and function of the job.
Fee for service: I'll get back to you...yawn.
6. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE LACK OF EDUCATION IS PREFERRED
Through the application of blatant classism and outmoded stereotypes, I will convince any employer that any additional education beyond the fifth grade is for "liberal college boy egghead pussies" and just an excuse to demand a higher salary that the employer can nary afford to pay. Besides, everyone knows that real men are dumb, football watching swine and real women get their learned out of Cosmo and O magazines right?
Fee for service: I don't know. I can't count.
7. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE NO MARKETABLE SKILLS IS ESSENTIAL
Please see above.
8. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE CLIENT'S SCHEDULING, BENEFITS AND SALARY REQUIREMENTS COME FIRST
Please refer to #4.
9. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE AN INABILITY TO PERFORM ESSENTIAL JOB DUTIES IS DEMANDED.
Through the use of wacky mojo and strong ju-ju, I will plant magic faery pixie powder beans in the brains of employers, causing them to become mixed up zombies who obey my commands to allow anyone to work even if they cannot or will not do the job.
Fee for service: Rotten beef, and lots of it!
OTHER AUXILIARY SERVICES
The following services are rendered on a special needs/pay per circumstance basis
*Walk on water
*Turn water into wine
*Turn water into bread
*Turn success into whine
*Pay you from my own salary as an incentive for you to work
*Make original, convincing excuses to your employer for:
--lateness
--obscene language
--hangover
--missed work to go shopping
--assaulting coworkers during narcotic induced rage
*Work job for you
Monday, June 2, 2008
Dear Police Friends, Would You Mind Not Smoking Dope With My Client? ...Thanks!
Dear Loser Cop Buddies of My Client,
my client has a traumatic brain injury. He was just offered a job at Target last week. He blurted out "I can't move my hand I'm crippled!" the second they offered him a job. The job offer was withdrawn quicker than an unwrapped cock from a two-minute whore.
"But you can move your hand, right?" I said to him.
"Oh yeah, sure I can but I wasn't sure if I should say I could or not. Maybe I should...shouldn't...should...should...'nt. Oh man. I don't know."
"Well, if you can move your hand--"
"--Oh yeah! Plus I had a little weed with my cop buddies last weekend. That was a week ago. One of them's a DARE officer. It was just a little weed. Just, you know a drag or a joint or two. I probably wouldn't pass the weed test they give out. You know?"
"Which was it, a drag or two joints?"
"Yeah. That one. I mean, its no big deal right? I mean, cops do it and doctors and lawyers. If they can do it...Do you think I'd pass that urine test. Can you call and ask for me?"
"Right, but the thing is, see--"
"--I mean, and its from 2-10 pm, the shift you know and anyways I don't know how my dog can be alone that long. I mean, thats a long time. Shit! I just want to have a simple little job where I can party and have something to do. The only one I talk to is my dog and he's not even a girl and I just want to work so I can see girls and watch them and get a job and party so I can get a girl to take care of me and my dog for a little while until I'm a CEO again and everybody is happy to see me when I get off the jet airplane to go check on how they're doing and then I'll cut my hair and wear a suit. Okay?"
On behalf of your brain injured, job seeking friend I humbly request that you refrain from offering my client your drugs at least until he gets a job. Unfortunately, while DARE officers can smoke all the dope they want in their spare time (or while on duty) without negative societal reprocussions, people with brain injuries whose ambition is to work at Target cannot.
I kindly thank you for your understanding in this matter.
JMT, Job Developer and Placement Coordinator.
my client has a traumatic brain injury. He was just offered a job at Target last week. He blurted out "I can't move my hand I'm crippled!" the second they offered him a job. The job offer was withdrawn quicker than an unwrapped cock from a two-minute whore.
"But you can move your hand, right?" I said to him.
"Oh yeah, sure I can but I wasn't sure if I should say I could or not. Maybe I should...shouldn't...should...should...'nt. Oh man. I don't know."
"Well, if you can move your hand--"
"--Oh yeah! Plus I had a little weed with my cop buddies last weekend. That was a week ago. One of them's a DARE officer. It was just a little weed. Just, you know a drag or a joint or two. I probably wouldn't pass the weed test they give out. You know?"
"Which was it, a drag or two joints?"
"Yeah. That one. I mean, its no big deal right? I mean, cops do it and doctors and lawyers. If they can do it...Do you think I'd pass that urine test. Can you call and ask for me?"
"Right, but the thing is, see--"
"--I mean, and its from 2-10 pm, the shift you know and anyways I don't know how my dog can be alone that long. I mean, thats a long time. Shit! I just want to have a simple little job where I can party and have something to do. The only one I talk to is my dog and he's not even a girl and I just want to work so I can see girls and watch them and get a job and party so I can get a girl to take care of me and my dog for a little while until I'm a CEO again and everybody is happy to see me when I get off the jet airplane to go check on how they're doing and then I'll cut my hair and wear a suit. Okay?"
On behalf of your brain injured, job seeking friend I humbly request that you refrain from offering my client your drugs at least until he gets a job. Unfortunately, while DARE officers can smoke all the dope they want in their spare time (or while on duty) without negative societal reprocussions, people with brain injuries whose ambition is to work at Target cannot.
I kindly thank you for your understanding in this matter.
JMT, Job Developer and Placement Coordinator.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Yup. I'm a penis alright, a really thick penis on four legs. This SO SUCKS!
Yup. I'm a penis alright, a really thick penis on four legs. This SO SUCKS!, originally uploaded by teerlinck.
Functional limitation/ barrier to employment: Check All That Apply. A minimum of three are required.
___#1 MOBILITY. A serious limitation in the ability to move about from place to place without accomodations due to physical or psychological impairment.
Individual is not ambulatory at this time due to the fact that individual is a penis shaped sculpture on four legs that lack normal knee development and feet are bolted into cement pilings.
___#2 SELF-DIRECTION. A serious limitation in the ability to independently plan, initiate, problem-solve, organize or carry out work-related or training related activities.
Individual is unable to plan ahead, organize or carry out any meaningful activity that is not related to being a penis shaped sculpture.
___#3 SELF-CARE. Individual is dependent upon other people, a service, or a device, to manage eating, toileting, grooming, dressing, money management, health or safety, to participate in training or work activities.
Individual is a penis shaped sculpture, and is unable to groom, toilet or manage money without total reliance on non-penis shaped sculptured individuals and/ or community resources for assistance.
___#4 WORK SKILLS. Serious limitation in the ability to perform specific tasks, or in the capacity to benefit from training required to carry out job functions.
Indiviudual is a penis shaped sculpture. Individual lacks fully formed appendages in order to manipulate objects. Individual not trainable.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
THREE SUPER FRIENDS OF SOCIAL SERVICES: CAPTAIN ANXIETY, THE EMBRACER AND THE VALIDATOR
Able to chill out an angry consumer without uttering a word, able to relax comfortably in a single bound, able to lift ten tons of paranoia and crush it with his tiny, sensitive man hands, able to chew off his fingernails in two minutes only to have them regrow in two seconds, able to find his purpose, then question it, then find it once again...only to question it, he is...CAPTAIN ANXIETY!!
Longing to be touched? Feeling deserving yet desolate? Call upon THE EMBRACER! when an emergency hug is required.
Feeling...low? Don't know what to...do? Creating problems for yourself by overusing...elipses to create a false sense of dramatic tension!?! Then call upon THE VALIDATOR. abd she will stroke your ego until it can stand up on its own wobbly little legs.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Customer Service Training Module I
This is to assist my peeps with their "soft skills" in their interactions with the general public.
1. The customer is your enemy.
2. Body odor is a means of self expression: express yourself!
3. If someone asks a question that you do not understand, ignore them politely.
4. tHE VOICES ARE HELPING. oBEY THE VOICES.
5. Don't get mouthy.
6. Periodically adjust your drawers in full view of the public for max efficiency.
7. Think FUCK: Forget Unless Checked 'Kay?
8. Greet every patron two times to ensure that their feelings of self worth are constantly validated. (e.g. "Hello can I help you? Hello can I help you?")
9. Never turn down an opportunity.
10. More is better.
11. Meow is more.
12. Roger Moore was swank, is now a dud.
13. Use of firearms to make a sale is not permitted, except in case of error.
14. If a disturbance is created, move all customers to the Emergency Disturbance Area and demonstrate the "egg, crunch, n' roll" position.
15. If a customer is unable to communicate, attempt non-verbal prompting and say "Say?" again and again.
16. After every sale, say: "Thank you for your dollars! You have pretty hands!" It is only right.
17. BEFORE you get to the sales floor, ask yourself if you are having a rainbow day or a mud puddle day? How can you turn mud puddles into rainbows: only through defending the Great Leader against his vile enemies by smashing their heads with the iron fist of truth!
18. Just because CAN doesn't mean you ARE.
19. A mind is like an open parchute. It only opens above 10,000 feet.
20. There is no "u" in team. There is a "t" in team...but what kind is it?!?
1. The customer is your enemy.
2. Body odor is a means of self expression: express yourself!
3. If someone asks a question that you do not understand, ignore them politely.
4. tHE VOICES ARE HELPING. oBEY THE VOICES.
5. Don't get mouthy.
6. Periodically adjust your drawers in full view of the public for max efficiency.
7. Think FUCK: Forget Unless Checked 'Kay?
8. Greet every patron two times to ensure that their feelings of self worth are constantly validated. (e.g. "Hello can I help you? Hello can I help you?")
9. Never turn down an opportunity.
10. More is better.
11. Meow is more.
12. Roger Moore was swank, is now a dud.
13. Use of firearms to make a sale is not permitted, except in case of error.
14. If a disturbance is created, move all customers to the Emergency Disturbance Area and demonstrate the "egg, crunch, n' roll" position.
15. If a customer is unable to communicate, attempt non-verbal prompting and say "Say?" again and again.
16. After every sale, say: "Thank you for your dollars! You have pretty hands!" It is only right.
17. BEFORE you get to the sales floor, ask yourself if you are having a rainbow day or a mud puddle day? How can you turn mud puddles into rainbows: only through defending the Great Leader against his vile enemies by smashing their heads with the iron fist of truth!
18. Just because CAN doesn't mean you ARE.
19. A mind is like an open parchute. It only opens above 10,000 feet.
20. There is no "u" in team. There is a "t" in team...but what kind is it?!?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Is it Earth Time Yet?
In the busy world of today, we all wish we had more time for the Earth. Sometimes we stare out of our office bubbles, car windows and arses. What are we thinking?
"I wish I had more time for the Earth."
Earth time is not to be confused with "birth time," an astrological designation of corporeal measurement or "green day" a new school emo band or "earth day" a thing that happens once a year.
When we celebrate earth day, we place all of our eggs into one little basket. We are lured into the complacent notion that, "hey, I don't need to think about the earth right now, because it is not yet earth day." And then what happpens? Earth day comes around and lo and behold, you don't have a whole day to spare for the Earth, your mother.
What many people don't understand is that the earth is a needy, cosmic entity that requires constant attention and petting.
Instead of one day, once a year, what the Earth needs is a little bit of LOVING, all the time.
When the earth gets hungry for loving, it gets ornery and one thing that none of us want is an ornery earth. When the strip miners and oil drillers do bad things to the earth, it's really negative but the earth is sitting there thinking:
"Yeah, but at least those fuckers pay attention to me!"
So instead of trying to spare a whole day that you do not have, why not spare a minute of your time, time spent on the earth...earth time.
Here's what to do:
Every day while at work, reach down and pat the floor once in awhile and say, "good little earth, good little earth. You're such a nice, happy little earth and I. Love. You!"
You may not hear anything right away, but just know that the earth listens to that, and really likes it a lot.
"I wish I had more time for the Earth."
Earth time is not to be confused with "birth time," an astrological designation of corporeal measurement or "green day" a new school emo band or "earth day" a thing that happens once a year.
When we celebrate earth day, we place all of our eggs into one little basket. We are lured into the complacent notion that, "hey, I don't need to think about the earth right now, because it is not yet earth day." And then what happpens? Earth day comes around and lo and behold, you don't have a whole day to spare for the Earth, your mother.
What many people don't understand is that the earth is a needy, cosmic entity that requires constant attention and petting.
Instead of one day, once a year, what the Earth needs is a little bit of LOVING, all the time.
When the earth gets hungry for loving, it gets ornery and one thing that none of us want is an ornery earth. When the strip miners and oil drillers do bad things to the earth, it's really negative but the earth is sitting there thinking:
"Yeah, but at least those fuckers pay attention to me!"
So instead of trying to spare a whole day that you do not have, why not spare a minute of your time, time spent on the earth...earth time.
Here's what to do:
Every day while at work, reach down and pat the floor once in awhile and say, "good little earth, good little earth. You're such a nice, happy little earth and I. Love. You!"
You may not hear anything right away, but just know that the earth listens to that, and really likes it a lot.
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