JOB DEVELOPMENT SERVICES AND FEE SCHEDULE

The following is an overview of job development services, along with fee schedule:

1. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE ANY AND ALL DRUG USE IS ACCEPTABLE

Through the competent use of miracle, prayer to idols and bloodletting ritual sacrifice I will obtain employment for anyone who wants to smoke marijuana, crack or crystal meth while on the job, per their requirements. Furthermore, I will convince all employers that these activities increase productivity and reliability.

Fee for service: gratis


2. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE FELONIES ARE AN ASSET

Through the use of magic job pixie powder I will convince the employer of your choice that convictions and charges for theft, murder, prostitution and unlawful weapons discharge provide essential "real life" experience and background that so many recent college graduates are missing from their anemic resumes touting church volunteer work or Americorps service.

Fee for service: A hole in the head. Mine.


3. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE ENGLISH LANGUAGE PROFICIENCY IS NOT REQUIRED

Through the use of guilt and coercion, I will bully, harass and threaten to sue any employer into hiring any non-literate, non-verbal person who cannot communicate using the English language, or indeed any language at all.

Fee for service: pocket lint


4. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE A CONFRONTATIONAL ME-FIRST ATTITUDE IS DESIRED

Through the use of extensive bullshitting and the application of tenuous logic, I will convince any employer that an inability to follow instructions, a history of workplace harassment, a dislike of authority and outright aggression are actually the hallmarks of an assertive "self-starter" and a "go-getter" and furthermore that these qualities represent the individualism and pioneering spirit that make America great!

Fee for service: Slash my tires + three mouth breathy phone calls threatening the safety of my family


5. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE LOW MOTIVATION IS NECESSARY

Through the use of interpretive dance, power point, baskets of puppies and liquid ecstasy I will convince any employer that a lack of motivation is actually a sign of great, untapped energy reserves. Furthermore, a lack of motivation demonstrates a certain "physical honesty" regarding the nature and function of the job.

Fee for service: I'll get back to you...yawn.


6. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE LACK OF EDUCATION IS PREFERRED

Through the application of blatant classism and outmoded stereotypes, I will convince any employer that any additional education beyond the fifth grade is for "liberal college boy egghead pussies" and just an excuse to demand a higher salary that the employer can nary afford to pay. Besides, everyone knows that real men are dumb, football watching swine and real women get their learned out of Cosmo and O magazines right?

Fee for service: I don't know. I can't count.


7. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE NO MARKETABLE SKILLS IS ESSENTIAL

Please see above.


8. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE CLIENT'S SCHEDULING, BENEFITS AND SALARY REQUIREMENTS COME FIRST

Please refer to #4.


9. OBTAIN EMPLOYMENT WHERE AN INABILITY TO PERFORM ESSENTIAL JOB DUTIES IS DEMANDED.

Through the use of wacky mojo and strong ju-ju, I will plant magic faery pixie powder beans in the brains of employers, causing them to become mixed up zombies who obey my commands to allow anyone to work even if they cannot or will not do the job.

Fee for service: Rotten beef, and lots of it!


OTHER AUXILIARY SERVICES

The following services are rendered on a special needs/pay per circumstance basis

*Walk on water
*Turn water into wine
*Turn water into bread
*Turn success into whine
*Pay you from my own salary as an incentive for you to work
*Make original, convincing excuses to your employer for:
--lateness
--obscene language
--hangover
--missed work to go shopping
--assaulting coworkers during narcotic induced rage
*Work job for you