"Oh my goodness love! We are just so horny! We were made to copulate with aliens! Oh dear! Oh! My! Lord! Baby Jeebus the Christ! We-oh dear!--We--oh dear!--We--oh my oh my oh my oh my pie, my...deardeardeardear me my goodness my Ohhhhhhhhhhh! I do believe....! I mean...! OH. MY. Good neeeeeeeeeeees. OH DEAREST ME OH MY THE UNION JACK OH! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HAVVVVVVVVVVVVE! ARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVED! GOD SAVE ME, GOD SAVE ME, GOD SAVE THE ROYAL VA-JAY-JAAAAAAAAY!"
Dearest British Citizen,
how would you like a Royal Job protecting Our Soverign? For only three days per week, you could be granted special uses of an emerald Jag-u-ar with flashing strobe and secret weaponry that fires projectile bangers and mash at tresspassers and interlopers who attempt to violate meow space bubble of meow Queen.
Inquire below for details and necessary prerequisite requirements to gain entry into the centre of the Royal Abode:
Benefits include:
*20 quid per month/ depending upon variable qualifying traits
*unlimited access to teletubbies
*15 minutes walkabout per shed-yuled period
*access to private Royal Car Park with Private Lift, incliding Royal Monogrammed Mini-Torch
*Limited edition "Prince Charles Issue" Mirrored windowless sex-lorry with shag carpeting for public and private VIP trysts with Leonard Cohen eight track hi-fi for Heavy Sensual Arousal.
*1 pint beefeaters gin per year gratis, private stock of the Crowne, per grace of the Royal Family
*4 week holiday per ten years honorable service
Qualifications mandatory:
*Fluent in the British English Language
*Ability to act as liason between Her Royal Highness and Bono, wanker.
*20 years protection of queens and sundry other royal-ality
*communicational ability superb under pressing circumstance
*Proficient in hand-to-cricket-bat combat
*Ability to scuff and de-scuff shoes at a moment's whim
*Ability and willingness to satisfy Her Royal Highnesses' unspecified and unspeakable whims and perversions including but not limited to the following positions and predilections:
The Wraparound
the Hug-A-Bug
the two-toed Grip-N-Grab
The Airplane Spin
The Whip, Pry and Drip
Cuh-Oof-Da-Fuh-In-Gas
Dutch Oven Surprise
Sea Turtle En Route To Magic Swampy Fingers
Two In the Pink, One In the Stink
Daisies and Rainbows Galore
Life, Bend, Release
Backseat Driver
Unfolding Tiger Dragon Brings Lorry In the Rear
Meow Part the Jade Gates With Foaming Uncut Manstalk
Baling the Hay With Two Forks
Farmer Ian Goes Raving Mad With Defunct Sensual Agricultural Practices At Stonehenge
Randy Nuns Crashing Lorry
Billy, Billy Bugger Bollocks
Little Miss Saucy Trousers In Pete's Carrot Patch
Tarts, Farts and Saucy, Saucy Bandits
Meow No For Sale!
Sir Naughty Knickers Pokes the Restive Pasture
Menage-a-Tois Du Au Coton
Beefeaters Porking Out
Qualifications Prefered:
*poesses talents and abilities
*be a whole person
*have power n' stuff n' the ability to define stuff so that stuff happens
*be an inbred member of the upper order
*three years experience performing naughty bits to private audiences consisting of members of the House of Lords
*Meow commune with meow spirits
*Consume raw, wine soaked pumpkins whilst carrying a merry tune
Please direct all candidate inquiries to Her Royal Human Resource Home Office of the Crowne. Please start the process by smelting three tons of medium grade al-u-min-yum, then molding it into an alabaster finish. Then, look in a mirror whilst standing on one foot and tell yourself that you believe in yourself, you believe in yourself, you believe in yourself, and meow are okay and meow have "the power," the wisdom, the gnostic truth, the nascent beginings, the gaeity, the piety, and the belief that "I can"forged in the fires of "I do."
For guarenteed consideration, also send copies of resume, self-completed background check and ball gag size to:
Her Royal Highness, Queen Majesty of England
United Kingdom
Britian
c/o
England
*
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