Customer Service Training Module I

This is to assist my peeps with their "soft skills" in their interactions with the general public.

1. The customer is your enemy.
2. Body odor is a means of self expression: express yourself!
3. If someone asks a question that you do not understand, ignore them politely.
4. tHE VOICES ARE HELPING. oBEY THE VOICES.
5. Don't get mouthy.
6. Periodically adjust your drawers in full view of the public for max efficiency.
7. Think FUCK: Forget Unless Checked 'Kay?
8. Greet every patron two times to ensure that their feelings of self worth are constantly validated. (e.g. "Hello can I help you? Hello can I help you?")
9. Never turn down an opportunity.
10. More is better.
11. Meow is more.
12. Roger Moore was swank, is now a dud.
13. Use of firearms to make a sale is not permitted, except in case of error.
14. If a disturbance is created, move all customers to the Emergency Disturbance Area and demonstrate the "egg, crunch, n' roll" position.
15. If a customer is unable to communicate, attempt non-verbal prompting and say "Say?" again and again.
16. After every sale, say: "Thank you for your dollars! You have pretty hands!" It is only right.
17. BEFORE you get to the sales floor, ask yourself if you are having a rainbow day or a mud puddle day? How can you turn mud puddles into rainbows: only through defending the Great Leader against his vile enemies by smashing their heads with the iron fist of truth!
18. Just because CAN doesn't mean you ARE.
19. A mind is like an open parchute. It only opens above 10,000 feet.
20. There is no "u" in team. There is a "t" in team...but what kind is it?!?