Yup. I'm a penis alright, a really thick penis on four legs. This SO SUCKS!

Yup. I'm a penis alright, a really thick penis on four legs. This SO SUCKS!, originally uploaded by teerlinck.

Functional limitation/ barrier to employment: Check All That Apply. A minimum of three are required.

___#1 MOBILITY. A serious limitation in the ability to move about from place to place without accomodations due to physical or psychological impairment.

Individual is not ambulatory at this time due to the fact that individual is a penis shaped sculpture on four legs that lack normal knee development and feet are bolted into cement pilings.

___#2 SELF-DIRECTION. A serious limitation in the ability to independently plan, initiate, problem-solve, organize or carry out work-related or training related activities.

Individual is unable to plan ahead, organize or carry out any meaningful activity that is not related to being a penis shaped sculpture.

___#3 SELF-CARE. Individual is dependent upon other people, a service, or a device, to manage eating, toileting, grooming, dressing, money management, health or safety, to participate in training or work activities.

Individual is a penis shaped sculpture, and is unable to groom, toilet or manage money without total reliance on non-penis shaped sculptured individuals and/ or community resources for assistance.

___#4 WORK SKILLS. Serious limitation in the ability to perform specific tasks, or in the capacity to benefit from training required to carry out job functions.

Indiviudual is a penis shaped sculpture. Individual lacks fully formed appendages in order to manipulate objects. Individual not trainable.

THREE SUPER FRIENDS OF SOCIAL SERVICES: CAPTAIN ANXIETY, THE EMBRACER AND THE VALIDATOR

Able to chill out an angry consumer without uttering a word, able to relax comfortably in a single bound, able to lift ten tons of paranoia and crush it with his tiny, sensitive man hands, able to chew off his fingernails in two minutes only to have them regrow in two seconds, able to find his purpose, then question it, then find it once again...only to question it, he is...CAPTAIN ANXIETY!!

Longing to be touched? Feeling deserving yet desolate? Call upon THE EMBRACER! when an emergency hug is required.

Feeling...low? Don't know what to...do? Creating problems for yourself by overusing...elipses to create a false sense of dramatic tension!?! Then call upon THE VALIDATOR. abd she will stroke your ego until it can stand up on its own wobbly little legs.

Customer Service Training Module I

This is to assist my peeps with their "soft skills" in their interactions with the general public.

1. The customer is your enemy.
2. Body odor is a means of self expression: express yourself!
3. If someone asks a question that you do not understand, ignore them politely.
4. tHE VOICES ARE HELPING. oBEY THE VOICES.
5. Don't get mouthy.
6. Periodically adjust your drawers in full view of the public for max efficiency.
7. Think FUCK: Forget Unless Checked 'Kay?
8. Greet every patron two times to ensure that their feelings of self worth are constantly validated. (e.g. "Hello can I help you? Hello can I help you?")
9. Never turn down an opportunity.
10. More is better.
11. Meow is more.
12. Roger Moore was swank, is now a dud.
13. Use of firearms to make a sale is not permitted, except in case of error.
14. If a disturbance is created, move all customers to the Emergency Disturbance Area and demonstrate the "egg, crunch, n' roll" position.
15. If a customer is unable to communicate, attempt non-verbal prompting and say "Say?" again and again.
16. After every sale, say: "Thank you for your dollars! You have pretty hands!" It is only right.
17. BEFORE you get to the sales floor, ask yourself if you are having a rainbow day or a mud puddle day? How can you turn mud puddles into rainbows: only through defending the Great Leader against his vile enemies by smashing their heads with the iron fist of truth!
18. Just because CAN doesn't mean you ARE.
19. A mind is like an open parchute. It only opens above 10,000 feet.
20. There is no "u" in team. There is a "t" in team...but what kind is it?!?

Is it Earth Time Yet?

In the busy world of today, we all wish we had more time for the Earth. Sometimes we stare out of our office bubbles, car windows and arses. What are we thinking?

"I wish I had more time for the Earth."

Earth time is not to be confused with "birth time," an astrological designation of corporeal measurement or "green day" a new school emo band or "earth day" a thing that happens once a year.

When we celebrate earth day, we place all of our eggs into one little basket. We are lured into the complacent notion that, "hey, I don't need to think about the earth right now, because it is not yet earth day." And then what happpens? Earth day comes around and lo and behold, you don't have a whole day to spare for the Earth, your mother.

What many people don't understand is that the earth is a needy, cosmic entity that requires constant attention and petting.

Instead of one day, once a year, what the Earth needs is a little bit of LOVING, all the time.

When the earth gets hungry for loving, it gets ornery and one thing that none of us want is an ornery earth. When the strip miners and oil drillers do bad things to the earth, it's really negative but the earth is sitting there thinking:

"Yeah, but at least those fuckers pay attention to me!"

So instead of trying to spare a whole day that you do not have, why not spare a minute of your time, time spent on the earth...earth time.

Here's what to do:

Every day while at work, reach down and pat the floor once in awhile and say, "good little earth, good little earth. You're such a nice, happy little earth and I. Love. You!"

You may not hear anything right away, but just know that the earth listens to that, and really likes it a lot.

'Ullo Love: Her Roal Highnesses' Job Candidate Self Completed Background Study

If you are interested in establishing gainful employ in the service of Her Royal Highness, you must first complete this mandatory, voluntary self-completed background study to assess your character, native talents and aptitudes. Please answer each question as honestly as possible or else we shall be forced to exlude your candidacy from all future consideration.

1. Have you now or ever or plan in the future or once or more times in the past used naughty words? Yes/No

If yes, explain:_______________________________________________________

2. This phrase best describes my philosophy of service:
A) Pride in the moment
B) Kwality with a "K"
C) meow don't know
D) Life provides difficulties

3. This phrase best describes my spiritual self:
A) God save the Queen first, then me
B) God save me first, then the Queen
C) God save the Queen, the fascist regime, that made you a moron and England's dreamin'.
D) Meow not a Queen

4. This phrase best describes how your friends see you:
A) Too dignified to have casual friendships
B) The "good book" is my only friend
C) Friends can be useful but only when fighting barbarian hoardes on foreign soil for the Queen.
D) Meow don't have a "hoards" but meow horde meow nip-nip!

5. I have never been seen in a house of ill fame, with persons of suspect character or ill repute:
A) once
B) always
C) not typically
D) meow no understand this "pute"

6. In a contest between Richard the Lion Hearted, Oliver Cromwell, Buddica and Ice-T, who would win?
A) Oliver Cromwell. Dude could hurl a pike.
B) Richard the Lion Hearted. Dude was motivated.
C) Ice-T. Dude got a nine.
D) did meow say, "Budda-kitty?" Meow vote "Budda-kitty." Meow have pride.

7. What is the difference between "soffing" and "scuffing?"
A) Scoffing is the intensional misuse of the scuff to effect a squabble-like atmosphere among the bretheren.
B) Scuffing is the physical act of scoffing with "this world" orientation.
C) Scouting was invented for boys, by Sir Robert Baden Powell, who also invented concentration camps.
D) Meow choose not to respond.

8. The correct form of address when in the presence of the Royal Personage is:
A) 'Ullo love? Right good day for a bit of the old saucy-tossy, eh? What's been pokin' in the ol' shag bag today eh?
B) Allahhu Akbar!
C) Queenie, queenie, queenie! Come 'ere! Come mere! Come mere mere! Come mere mere mere!
D) Puuuuuuuuur!

9. Are you now or have you never been or will ever never but possibly not in any sort of randy business, criminal enterprise, scheme, plan, organisation, centre or group home?
A) No bay-bay
B) I'm not all bad, just partially.
C) I've been a criminal, but I've been loved.
D) Meow clean my plate.

10. Do you have an illness that requires a convolescent period in hospital?
A) Meow clean bill of puuuuuufect health!
B) once in awhile
C) all the time
D) only whilst I'm crying sad bird tears.

11. If Her Majesty's favorite program on tele was "Eastenders" I would...
A) tell her she's a sodding whore, and can piss off until she learns better habits.
B) call Bono for further instruction
C) point out that Her Highness "gots what sticks in her" and Eastenders "gots what sticks out of 'em" and that means only do that during "private time."
D) Change meow channel to meow groovy vibe.

12. If the palace were under seige by enemies of Her Majesty:
A) Never mind the bollocks, play the Sex Pistols.
B) send Her Majesty's enemies on an Easter Egg walkabout
C) Unleash the Royal Mutant Sea Monkeys, and instruct them to attack
D) Meow do "kitty grab" see how stupid people likes it!

13. If God were angry with me for having anal coitus, the best spice to be turned into is:
A) pillar of salt
B) Tony's Pizza Magic Mixed Blend
C) cracked fresh pepper flakes with a drip of lemon
D) meow mix and match

14. My ancestors_____________________...
A) had no taste or talent
B) stood proudly with the Crowne during turbulent periods
C) smashed frogs with crude clubs
D) Meow eat the old and weak from meow back of meow herd

15. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice_________________________...
A) I'll crack you in gulliver
B) ...but only if you are the Queen
C) ...but not three times five, because that is a lot of times.
D) ..., meow three times a lady

EMPLOYER PROFILE: Trevor Starkley Herberton Browntrout III

Hello. I am Trevor Starkly Herberton Browntrout III. I founded this company on a solid bedrock of earth, wind and fire. You shall obey.

You will be much enthusiastic for communications with my "new incentives/ talented plus" and this will bring your ancestors to the program with iron fisted will!

Forever marching! Forever strong! We shall be having community relations for difficult developments marketing solid foundations for the many.

Man-boy-child need not apply! Only the people built "Darwin Tough" are allowed entry through the jade gates of this happy domain.

Pig-Pig dead baby pig sonnet for the pork sausage make Jimmy Dean the weak willed profit of doomed sales model. Pride not gone. Forever the swineheart. Mel Gibson made foolish, the movie for Christgone: alt title: Snuffed By Romans.

And all you ask is "why?" Engrish not the goodspeak? Well, Funk you in your stupid arse-pie, dogdamn yankee! We will rain our ancestor's piss on the head of your unknowing goat, make foul the well of your lazy numb-numb!

'Ullo love! We shall find you gainful employ in our Royal Service!

A SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM OUR SOVERIGN:

"Oh my goodness love! We are just so horny! We were made to copulate with aliens! Oh dear! Oh! My! Lord! Baby Jeebus the Christ! We-oh dear!--We--oh dear!--We--oh my oh my oh my oh my pie, my...deardeardeardear me my goodness my Ohhhhhhhhhhh! I do believe....! I mean...! OH. MY. Good neeeeeeeeeeees. OH DEAREST ME OH MY THE UNION JACK OH! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HAVVVVVVVVVVVVE! ARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVED! GOD SAVE ME, GOD SAVE ME, GOD SAVE THE ROYAL VA-JAY-JAAAAAAAAY!"

Dearest British Citizen,

how would you like a Royal Job protecting Our Soverign? For only three days per week, you could be granted special uses of an emerald Jag-u-ar with flashing strobe and secret weaponry that fires projectile bangers and mash at tresspassers and interlopers who attempt to violate meow space bubble of meow Queen.

Inquire below for details and necessary prerequisite requirements to gain entry into the centre of the Royal Abode:

Benefits include:

*20 quid per month/ depending upon variable qualifying traits
*unlimited access to teletubbies
*15 minutes walkabout per shed-yuled period
*access to private Royal Car Park with Private Lift, incliding Royal Monogrammed Mini-Torch
*Limited edition "Prince Charles Issue" Mirrored windowless sex-lorry with shag carpeting for public and private VIP trysts with Leonard Cohen eight track hi-fi for Heavy Sensual Arousal.
*1 pint beefeaters gin per year gratis, private stock of the Crowne, per grace of the Royal Family
*4 week holiday per ten years honorable service


Qualifications mandatory:

*Fluent in the British English Language
*Ability to act as liason between Her Royal Highness and Bono, wanker.
*20 years protection of queens and sundry other royal-ality
*communicational ability superb under pressing circumstance
*Proficient in hand-to-cricket-bat combat
*Ability to scuff and de-scuff shoes at a moment's whim
*Ability and willingness to satisfy Her Royal Highnesses' unspecified and unspeakable whims and perversions including but not limited to the following positions and predilections:

The Wraparound
the Hug-A-Bug
the two-toed Grip-N-Grab
The Airplane Spin
The Whip, Pry and Drip
Cuh-Oof-Da-Fuh-In-Gas
Dutch Oven Surprise
Sea Turtle En Route To Magic Swampy Fingers
Two In the Pink, One In the Stink
Daisies and Rainbows Galore
Life, Bend, Release
Backseat Driver
Unfolding Tiger Dragon Brings Lorry In the Rear
Meow Part the Jade Gates With Foaming Uncut Manstalk
Baling the Hay With Two Forks
Farmer Ian Goes Raving Mad With Defunct Sensual Agricultural Practices At Stonehenge
Randy Nuns Crashing Lorry
Billy, Billy Bugger Bollocks
Little Miss Saucy Trousers In Pete's Carrot Patch
Tarts, Farts and Saucy, Saucy Bandits
Meow No For Sale!
Sir Naughty Knickers Pokes the Restive Pasture
Menage-a-Tois Du Au Coton
Beefeaters Porking Out

Qualifications Prefered:

*poesses talents and abilities
*be a whole person
*have power n' stuff n' the ability to define stuff so that stuff happens
*be an inbred member of the upper order
*three years experience performing naughty bits to private audiences consisting of members of the House of Lords
*Meow commune with meow spirits
*Consume raw, wine soaked pumpkins whilst carrying a merry tune

Please direct all candidate inquiries to Her Royal Human Resource Home Office of the Crowne. Please start the process by smelting three tons of medium grade al-u-min-yum, then molding it into an alabaster finish. Then, look in a mirror whilst standing on one foot and tell yourself that you believe in yourself, you believe in yourself, you believe in yourself, and meow are okay and meow have "the power," the wisdom, the gnostic truth, the nascent beginings, the gaeity, the piety, and the belief that "I can"forged in the fires of "I do."

For guarenteed consideration, also send copies of resume, self-completed background check and ball gag size to:

Her Royal Highness, Queen Majesty of England
United Kingdom
Britian
c/o
England








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