'Ullo Love: Her Roal Highnesses' Job Candidate Self Completed Background Study

If you are interested in establishing gainful employ in the service of Her Royal Highness, you must first complete this mandatory, voluntary self-completed background study to assess your character, native talents and aptitudes. Please answer each question as honestly as possible or else we shall be forced to exlude your candidacy from all future consideration.

1. Have you now or ever or plan in the future or once or more times in the past used naughty words? Yes/No

If yes, explain:_______________________________________________________

2. This phrase best describes my philosophy of service:
A) Pride in the moment
B) Kwality with a "K"
C) meow don't know
D) Life provides difficulties

3. This phrase best describes my spiritual self:
A) God save the Queen first, then me
B) God save me first, then the Queen
C) God save the Queen, the fascist regime, that made you a moron and England's dreamin'.
D) Meow not a Queen

4. This phrase best describes how your friends see you:
A) Too dignified to have casual friendships
B) The "good book" is my only friend
C) Friends can be useful but only when fighting barbarian hoardes on foreign soil for the Queen.
D) Meow don't have a "hoards" but meow horde meow nip-nip!

5. I have never been seen in a house of ill fame, with persons of suspect character or ill repute:
A) once
B) always
C) not typically
D) meow no understand this "pute"

6. In a contest between Richard the Lion Hearted, Oliver Cromwell, Buddica and Ice-T, who would win?
A) Oliver Cromwell. Dude could hurl a pike.
B) Richard the Lion Hearted. Dude was motivated.
C) Ice-T. Dude got a nine.
D) did meow say, "Budda-kitty?" Meow vote "Budda-kitty." Meow have pride.

7. What is the difference between "soffing" and "scuffing?"
A) Scoffing is the intensional misuse of the scuff to effect a squabble-like atmosphere among the bretheren.
B) Scuffing is the physical act of scoffing with "this world" orientation.
C) Scouting was invented for boys, by Sir Robert Baden Powell, who also invented concentration camps.
D) Meow choose not to respond.

8. The correct form of address when in the presence of the Royal Personage is:
A) 'Ullo love? Right good day for a bit of the old saucy-tossy, eh? What's been pokin' in the ol' shag bag today eh?
B) Allahhu Akbar!
C) Queenie, queenie, queenie! Come 'ere! Come mere! Come mere mere! Come mere mere mere!
D) Puuuuuuuuur!

9. Are you now or have you never been or will ever never but possibly not in any sort of randy business, criminal enterprise, scheme, plan, organisation, centre or group home?
A) No bay-bay
B) I'm not all bad, just partially.
C) I've been a criminal, but I've been loved.
D) Meow clean my plate.

10. Do you have an illness that requires a convolescent period in hospital?
A) Meow clean bill of puuuuuufect health!
B) once in awhile
C) all the time
D) only whilst I'm crying sad bird tears.

11. If Her Majesty's favorite program on tele was "Eastenders" I would...
A) tell her she's a sodding whore, and can piss off until she learns better habits.
B) call Bono for further instruction
C) point out that Her Highness "gots what sticks in her" and Eastenders "gots what sticks out of 'em" and that means only do that during "private time."
D) Change meow channel to meow groovy vibe.

12. If the palace were under seige by enemies of Her Majesty:
A) Never mind the bollocks, play the Sex Pistols.
B) send Her Majesty's enemies on an Easter Egg walkabout
C) Unleash the Royal Mutant Sea Monkeys, and instruct them to attack
D) Meow do "kitty grab" see how stupid people likes it!

13. If God were angry with me for having anal coitus, the best spice to be turned into is:
A) pillar of salt
B) Tony's Pizza Magic Mixed Blend
C) cracked fresh pepper flakes with a drip of lemon
D) meow mix and match

14. My ancestors_____________________...
A) had no taste or talent
B) stood proudly with the Crowne during turbulent periods
C) smashed frogs with crude clubs
D) Meow eat the old and weak from meow back of meow herd

15. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice_________________________...
A) I'll crack you in gulliver
B) ...but only if you are the Queen
C) ...but not three times five, because that is a lot of times.
D) ..., meow three times a lady