Dear Loser Cop Buddies of My Client,
my client has a traumatic brain injury. He was just offered a job at Target last week. He blurted out "I can't move my hand I'm crippled!" the second they offered him a job. The job offer was withdrawn quicker than an unwrapped cock from a two-minute whore.
"But you can move your hand, right?" I said to him.
"Oh yeah, sure I can but I wasn't sure if I should say I could or not. Maybe I should...shouldn't...should...should...'nt. Oh man. I don't know."
"Well, if you can move your hand--"
"--Oh yeah! Plus I had a little weed with my cop buddies last weekend. That was a week ago. One of them's a DARE officer. It was just a little weed. Just, you know a drag or a joint or two. I probably wouldn't pass the weed test they give out. You know?"
"Which was it, a drag or two joints?"
"Yeah. That one. I mean, its no big deal right? I mean, cops do it and doctors and lawyers. If they can do it...Do you think I'd pass that urine test. Can you call and ask for me?"
"Right, but the thing is, see--"
"--I mean, and its from 2-10 pm, the shift you know and anyways I don't know how my dog can be alone that long. I mean, thats a long time. Shit! I just want to have a simple little job where I can party and have something to do. The only one I talk to is my dog and he's not even a girl and I just want to work so I can see girls and watch them and get a job and party so I can get a girl to take care of me and my dog for a little while until I'm a CEO again and everybody is happy to see me when I get off the jet airplane to go check on how they're doing and then I'll cut my hair and wear a suit. Okay?"
On behalf of your brain injured, job seeking friend I humbly request that you refrain from offering my client your drugs at least until he gets a job. Unfortunately, while DARE officers can smoke all the dope they want in their spare time (or while on duty) without negative societal reprocussions, people with brain injuries whose ambition is to work at Target cannot.
I kindly thank you for your understanding in this matter.
JMT, Job Developer and Placement Coordinator.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Yup. I'm a penis alright, a really thick penis on four legs. This SO SUCKS!
Yup. I'm a penis alright, a really thick penis on four legs. This SO SUCKS!, originally uploaded by teerlinck.
Functional limitation/ barrier to employment: Check All That Apply. A minimum of three are required.
___#1 MOBILITY. A serious limitation in the ability to move about from place to place without accomodations due to physical or psychological impairment.
Individual is not ambulatory at this time due to the fact that individual is a penis shaped sculpture on four legs that lack normal knee development and feet are bolted into cement pilings.
___#2 SELF-DIRECTION. A serious limitation in the ability to independently plan, initiate, problem-solve, organize or carry out work-related or training related activities.
Individual is unable to plan ahead, organize or carry out any meaningful activity that is not related to being a penis shaped sculpture.
___#3 SELF-CARE. Individual is dependent upon other people, a service, or a device, to manage eating, toileting, grooming, dressing, money management, health or safety, to participate in training or work activities.
Individual is a penis shaped sculpture, and is unable to groom, toilet or manage money without total reliance on non-penis shaped sculptured individuals and/ or community resources for assistance.
___#4 WORK SKILLS. Serious limitation in the ability to perform specific tasks, or in the capacity to benefit from training required to carry out job functions.
Indiviudual is a penis shaped sculpture. Individual lacks fully formed appendages in order to manipulate objects. Individual not trainable.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
THREE SUPER FRIENDS OF SOCIAL SERVICES: CAPTAIN ANXIETY, THE EMBRACER AND THE VALIDATOR
Able to chill out an angry consumer without uttering a word, able to relax comfortably in a single bound, able to lift ten tons of paranoia and crush it with his tiny, sensitive man hands, able to chew off his fingernails in two minutes only to have them regrow in two seconds, able to find his purpose, then question it, then find it once again...only to question it, he is...CAPTAIN ANXIETY!!
Longing to be touched? Feeling deserving yet desolate? Call upon THE EMBRACER! when an emergency hug is required.
Feeling...low? Don't know what to...do? Creating problems for yourself by overusing...elipses to create a false sense of dramatic tension!?! Then call upon THE VALIDATOR. abd she will stroke your ego until it can stand up on its own wobbly little legs.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Customer Service Training Module I
This is to assist my peeps with their "soft skills" in their interactions with the general public.
1. The customer is your enemy.
2. Body odor is a means of self expression: express yourself!
3. If someone asks a question that you do not understand, ignore them politely.
4. tHE VOICES ARE HELPING. oBEY THE VOICES.
5. Don't get mouthy.
6. Periodically adjust your drawers in full view of the public for max efficiency.
7. Think FUCK: Forget Unless Checked 'Kay?
8. Greet every patron two times to ensure that their feelings of self worth are constantly validated. (e.g. "Hello can I help you? Hello can I help you?")
9. Never turn down an opportunity.
10. More is better.
11. Meow is more.
12. Roger Moore was swank, is now a dud.
13. Use of firearms to make a sale is not permitted, except in case of error.
14. If a disturbance is created, move all customers to the Emergency Disturbance Area and demonstrate the "egg, crunch, n' roll" position.
15. If a customer is unable to communicate, attempt non-verbal prompting and say "Say?" again and again.
16. After every sale, say: "Thank you for your dollars! You have pretty hands!" It is only right.
17. BEFORE you get to the sales floor, ask yourself if you are having a rainbow day or a mud puddle day? How can you turn mud puddles into rainbows: only through defending the Great Leader against his vile enemies by smashing their heads with the iron fist of truth!
18. Just because CAN doesn't mean you ARE.
19. A mind is like an open parchute. It only opens above 10,000 feet.
20. There is no "u" in team. There is a "t" in team...but what kind is it?!?
1. The customer is your enemy.
2. Body odor is a means of self expression: express yourself!
3. If someone asks a question that you do not understand, ignore them politely.
4. tHE VOICES ARE HELPING. oBEY THE VOICES.
5. Don't get mouthy.
6. Periodically adjust your drawers in full view of the public for max efficiency.
7. Think FUCK: Forget Unless Checked 'Kay?
8. Greet every patron two times to ensure that their feelings of self worth are constantly validated. (e.g. "Hello can I help you? Hello can I help you?")
9. Never turn down an opportunity.
10. More is better.
11. Meow is more.
12. Roger Moore was swank, is now a dud.
13. Use of firearms to make a sale is not permitted, except in case of error.
14. If a disturbance is created, move all customers to the Emergency Disturbance Area and demonstrate the "egg, crunch, n' roll" position.
15. If a customer is unable to communicate, attempt non-verbal prompting and say "Say?" again and again.
16. After every sale, say: "Thank you for your dollars! You have pretty hands!" It is only right.
17. BEFORE you get to the sales floor, ask yourself if you are having a rainbow day or a mud puddle day? How can you turn mud puddles into rainbows: only through defending the Great Leader against his vile enemies by smashing their heads with the iron fist of truth!
18. Just because CAN doesn't mean you ARE.
19. A mind is like an open parchute. It only opens above 10,000 feet.
20. There is no "u" in team. There is a "t" in team...but what kind is it?!?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Is it Earth Time Yet?
In the busy world of today, we all wish we had more time for the Earth. Sometimes we stare out of our office bubbles, car windows and arses. What are we thinking?
"I wish I had more time for the Earth."
Earth time is not to be confused with "birth time," an astrological designation of corporeal measurement or "green day" a new school emo band or "earth day" a thing that happens once a year.
When we celebrate earth day, we place all of our eggs into one little basket. We are lured into the complacent notion that, "hey, I don't need to think about the earth right now, because it is not yet earth day." And then what happpens? Earth day comes around and lo and behold, you don't have a whole day to spare for the Earth, your mother.
What many people don't understand is that the earth is a needy, cosmic entity that requires constant attention and petting.
Instead of one day, once a year, what the Earth needs is a little bit of LOVING, all the time.
When the earth gets hungry for loving, it gets ornery and one thing that none of us want is an ornery earth. When the strip miners and oil drillers do bad things to the earth, it's really negative but the earth is sitting there thinking:
"Yeah, but at least those fuckers pay attention to me!"
So instead of trying to spare a whole day that you do not have, why not spare a minute of your time, time spent on the earth...earth time.
Here's what to do:
Every day while at work, reach down and pat the floor once in awhile and say, "good little earth, good little earth. You're such a nice, happy little earth and I. Love. You!"
You may not hear anything right away, but just know that the earth listens to that, and really likes it a lot.
"I wish I had more time for the Earth."
Earth time is not to be confused with "birth time," an astrological designation of corporeal measurement or "green day" a new school emo band or "earth day" a thing that happens once a year.
When we celebrate earth day, we place all of our eggs into one little basket. We are lured into the complacent notion that, "hey, I don't need to think about the earth right now, because it is not yet earth day." And then what happpens? Earth day comes around and lo and behold, you don't have a whole day to spare for the Earth, your mother.
What many people don't understand is that the earth is a needy, cosmic entity that requires constant attention and petting.
Instead of one day, once a year, what the Earth needs is a little bit of LOVING, all the time.
When the earth gets hungry for loving, it gets ornery and one thing that none of us want is an ornery earth. When the strip miners and oil drillers do bad things to the earth, it's really negative but the earth is sitting there thinking:
"Yeah, but at least those fuckers pay attention to me!"
So instead of trying to spare a whole day that you do not have, why not spare a minute of your time, time spent on the earth...earth time.
Here's what to do:
Every day while at work, reach down and pat the floor once in awhile and say, "good little earth, good little earth. You're such a nice, happy little earth and I. Love. You!"
You may not hear anything right away, but just know that the earth listens to that, and really likes it a lot.
Monday, April 14, 2008
'Ullo Love: Her Roal Highnesses' Job Candidate Self Completed Background Study
If you are interested in establishing gainful employ in the service of Her Royal Highness, you must first complete this mandatory, voluntary self-completed background study to assess your character, native talents and aptitudes. Please answer each question as honestly as possible or else we shall be forced to exlude your candidacy from all future consideration.
1. Have you now or ever or plan in the future or once or more times in the past used naughty words? Yes/No
If yes, explain:_______________________________________________________
2. This phrase best describes my philosophy of service:
A) Pride in the moment
B) Kwality with a "K"
C) meow don't know
D) Life provides difficulties
3. This phrase best describes my spiritual self:
A) God save the Queen first, then me
B) God save me first, then the Queen
C) God save the Queen, the fascist regime, that made you a moron and England's dreamin'.
D) Meow not a Queen
4. This phrase best describes how your friends see you:
A) Too dignified to have casual friendships
B) The "good book" is my only friend
C) Friends can be useful but only when fighting barbarian hoardes on foreign soil for the Queen.
D) Meow don't have a "hoards" but meow horde meow nip-nip!
5. I have never been seen in a house of ill fame, with persons of suspect character or ill repute:
A) once
B) always
C) not typically
D) meow no understand this "pute"
6. In a contest between Richard the Lion Hearted, Oliver Cromwell, Buddica and Ice-T, who would win?
A) Oliver Cromwell. Dude could hurl a pike.
B) Richard the Lion Hearted. Dude was motivated.
C) Ice-T. Dude got a nine.
D) did meow say, "Budda-kitty?" Meow vote "Budda-kitty." Meow have pride.
7. What is the difference between "soffing" and "scuffing?"
A) Scoffing is the intensional misuse of the scuff to effect a squabble-like atmosphere among the bretheren.
B) Scuffing is the physical act of scoffing with "this world" orientation.
C) Scouting was invented for boys, by Sir Robert Baden Powell, who also invented concentration camps.
D) Meow choose not to respond.
8. The correct form of address when in the presence of the Royal Personage is:
A) 'Ullo love? Right good day for a bit of the old saucy-tossy, eh? What's been pokin' in the ol' shag bag today eh?
B) Allahhu Akbar!
C) Queenie, queenie, queenie! Come 'ere! Come mere! Come mere mere! Come mere mere mere!
D) Puuuuuuuuur!
9. Are you now or have you never been or will ever never but possibly not in any sort of randy business, criminal enterprise, scheme, plan, organisation, centre or group home?
A) No bay-bay
B) I'm not all bad, just partially.
C) I've been a criminal, but I've been loved.
D) Meow clean my plate.
10. Do you have an illness that requires a convolescent period in hospital?
A) Meow clean bill of puuuuuufect health!
B) once in awhile
C) all the time
D) only whilst I'm crying sad bird tears.
11. If Her Majesty's favorite program on tele was "Eastenders" I would...
A) tell her she's a sodding whore, and can piss off until she learns better habits.
B) call Bono for further instruction
C) point out that Her Highness "gots what sticks in her" and Eastenders "gots what sticks out of 'em" and that means only do that during "private time."
D) Change meow channel to meow groovy vibe.
12. If the palace were under seige by enemies of Her Majesty:
A) Never mind the bollocks, play the Sex Pistols.
B) send Her Majesty's enemies on an Easter Egg walkabout
C) Unleash the Royal Mutant Sea Monkeys, and instruct them to attack
D) Meow do "kitty grab" see how stupid people likes it!
13. If God were angry with me for having anal coitus, the best spice to be turned into is:
A) pillar of salt
B) Tony's Pizza Magic Mixed Blend
C) cracked fresh pepper flakes with a drip of lemon
D) meow mix and match
14. My ancestors_____________________...
A) had no taste or talent
B) stood proudly with the Crowne during turbulent periods
C) smashed frogs with crude clubs
D) Meow eat the old and weak from meow back of meow herd
15. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice_________________________...
A) I'll crack you in gulliver
B) ...but only if you are the Queen
C) ...but not three times five, because that is a lot of times.
D) ..., meow three times a lady
1. Have you now or ever or plan in the future or once or more times in the past used naughty words? Yes/No
If yes, explain:_______________________________________________________
2. This phrase best describes my philosophy of service:
A) Pride in the moment
B) Kwality with a "K"
C) meow don't know
D) Life provides difficulties
3. This phrase best describes my spiritual self:
A) God save the Queen first, then me
B) God save me first, then the Queen
C) God save the Queen, the fascist regime, that made you a moron and England's dreamin'.
D) Meow not a Queen
4. This phrase best describes how your friends see you:
A) Too dignified to have casual friendships
B) The "good book" is my only friend
C) Friends can be useful but only when fighting barbarian hoardes on foreign soil for the Queen.
D) Meow don't have a "hoards" but meow horde meow nip-nip!
5. I have never been seen in a house of ill fame, with persons of suspect character or ill repute:
A) once
B) always
C) not typically
D) meow no understand this "pute"
6. In a contest between Richard the Lion Hearted, Oliver Cromwell, Buddica and Ice-T, who would win?
A) Oliver Cromwell. Dude could hurl a pike.
B) Richard the Lion Hearted. Dude was motivated.
C) Ice-T. Dude got a nine.
D) did meow say, "Budda-kitty?" Meow vote "Budda-kitty." Meow have pride.
7. What is the difference between "soffing" and "scuffing?"
A) Scoffing is the intensional misuse of the scuff to effect a squabble-like atmosphere among the bretheren.
B) Scuffing is the physical act of scoffing with "this world" orientation.
C) Scouting was invented for boys, by Sir Robert Baden Powell, who also invented concentration camps.
D) Meow choose not to respond.
8. The correct form of address when in the presence of the Royal Personage is:
A) 'Ullo love? Right good day for a bit of the old saucy-tossy, eh? What's been pokin' in the ol' shag bag today eh?
B) Allahhu Akbar!
C) Queenie, queenie, queenie! Come 'ere! Come mere! Come mere mere! Come mere mere mere!
D) Puuuuuuuuur!
9. Are you now or have you never been or will ever never but possibly not in any sort of randy business, criminal enterprise, scheme, plan, organisation, centre or group home?
A) No bay-bay
B) I'm not all bad, just partially.
C) I've been a criminal, but I've been loved.
D) Meow clean my plate.
10. Do you have an illness that requires a convolescent period in hospital?
A) Meow clean bill of puuuuuufect health!
B) once in awhile
C) all the time
D) only whilst I'm crying sad bird tears.
11. If Her Majesty's favorite program on tele was "Eastenders" I would...
A) tell her she's a sodding whore, and can piss off until she learns better habits.
B) call Bono for further instruction
C) point out that Her Highness "gots what sticks in her" and Eastenders "gots what sticks out of 'em" and that means only do that during "private time."
D) Change meow channel to meow groovy vibe.
12. If the palace were under seige by enemies of Her Majesty:
A) Never mind the bollocks, play the Sex Pistols.
B) send Her Majesty's enemies on an Easter Egg walkabout
C) Unleash the Royal Mutant Sea Monkeys, and instruct them to attack
D) Meow do "kitty grab" see how stupid people likes it!
13. If God were angry with me for having anal coitus, the best spice to be turned into is:
A) pillar of salt
B) Tony's Pizza Magic Mixed Blend
C) cracked fresh pepper flakes with a drip of lemon
D) meow mix and match
14. My ancestors_____________________...
A) had no taste or talent
B) stood proudly with the Crowne during turbulent periods
C) smashed frogs with crude clubs
D) Meow eat the old and weak from meow back of meow herd
15. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice_________________________...
A) I'll crack you in gulliver
B) ...but only if you are the Queen
C) ...but not three times five, because that is a lot of times.
D) ..., meow three times a lady
Sunday, April 13, 2008
EMPLOYER PROFILE: Trevor Starkley Herberton Browntrout III
Hello. I am Trevor Starkly Herberton Browntrout III. I founded this company on a solid bedrock of earth, wind and fire. You shall obey.
You will be much enthusiastic for communications with my "new incentives/ talented plus" and this will bring your ancestors to the program with iron fisted will!
Forever marching! Forever strong! We shall be having community relations for difficult developments marketing solid foundations for the many.
Man-boy-child need not apply! Only the people built "Darwin Tough" are allowed entry through the jade gates of this happy domain.
Pig-Pig dead baby pig sonnet for the pork sausage make Jimmy Dean the weak willed profit of doomed sales model. Pride not gone. Forever the swineheart. Mel Gibson made foolish, the movie for Christgone: alt title: Snuffed By Romans.
And all you ask is "why?" Engrish not the goodspeak? Well, Funk you in your stupid arse-pie, dogdamn yankee! We will rain our ancestor's piss on the head of your unknowing goat, make foul the well of your lazy numb-numb!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
